I consider myself to be pretty self-aware and don't think I lie to myself about much. I venture to say that most people who know me well would tend to agree with that statement (if any of you are reading this, feel free to chime in and correct me if I'm wrong). But the fact of the matter is that I am still single and don't want to be if I can help it, so I'm willing to go through this autopsy to see if I can learn anything new.
At this point, I don't plan on sharing my answers to these questions here, but I may decide to at a later date. I will, however, list the questions in case any of you would like to try this at home. If you do know me well and want to enlighten me on your thoughts as to what my answers should be, by all means comment away. I'm a big girl. I can take it.
Here they are...
- Identify what your problems and frustrations were with your relationship.
- Write down the problems your partner had with you. Be honest with yourself.
- Write down 10 key statements about the pain you still feel and the open wounds you still have. Again, honesty is essential.
- You need to reconcile each of the statements you wrote down. Ask yourself: What was my role in each of these? Own what you are responsible for.
- What choices did you make that led to the results you got in your last relationship?
- You teach people how to treat you. Did you teach your partner to treat you badly?
- What do you have to change to get over your last relationship? How do you need to heal that?
- What do you want to leave behind you from your last relationship? Only when you acknowledge it, can you take the steps to prevent repetition.
- You need emotional closure. To get that, you need to figure out what your "minimal effective response" is - the least thing you can do to get the closure. It may be yelling and screaming, writing your thoughts down, or actually talking to your ex. If you need to take these steps to feel like you've stood up for yourself, do it.
I will take some time to do this exercise and let you know if I find it to be useful. It certainly can't hurt!
4 comments:
I hear what you are saying, but I believe you are missing his point. I don't think that everything Dr. Phil says is Gospel, but I do think that there is value in owning your part of every relationship's demise. Not to place blame, but to grow and learn from it.
This part of the book is meant to focus on what the problems were. There is also value in focusing on what the good stuff was, too. It's just that's not THIS exercise. That's another one. The whole book isn't focused on negative things.
Do I believe that it was my fault that I dated an alcoholic? No. But I do believe that I had a need within me to "save" him. That's my part of it. I got something from that. I felt needed. Like I had a reason for being in the relationship. Like I was earning my place. And the reality is that I don't need to earn anything to have a good and healthy relationship. But I obviously didn't think highly enough about myself. The more I pushed for him to get better, the more he ran the other way and ultimately ended the relationship. I stayed in that relationship because I needed to believe that I was important enough to him to give up drinking. That was my false sense of ego. That's the part that I own... the need to feel more important than alcohol. I allowed him to hurt me. I could have told him to hit the road the minute I saw that he drank too much, but I didn't. Is it my fault he's an alcoholic? No. Is it my fault that he left me? No. But I do have to own the fact that I stayed in a relationship where my needs were not being met because I didn't think my needs were as important. Now that was not a conscious decision, but looking back, it certainly was a factor on a subconcious level. I won't do that in the future.
It's not about blame. It's about understanding. And that's where I think you are missing the point.
We can't play the role of the victim forever if you want to move on.
No, you didn't ask your ex-wife to cheat on you. No you didn't deserve to be cheated on. But I venture to say that there were other problems in the relationship prior to her doing those things that you were a part of.
I'm sorry she disappointed you and let you down. Again, I did not say you deserved this nor that you could necessarily have prevented it. I'm just saying that there is value in the exercise he suggests in helping to move forward.
Educator, I hear what both of you are saying. I'll try to post some more of the other exercises here as well to give a more balanced view. I was only trying to focus this one post on the value of looking back and owning your own part in your previous relationship. I do agree that free will is there and not everyone is willing to do what it takes to stick with a marriage. And I do think that is a poor reflection of society today.
So that's it??????? lol
Ok... you don't have to bare all (although inquiring minds do want to know), but I'm really glad you found it beneficial.
I think many of us subconsciously sabotage relationships. It's hard to identify how we do it sometimes and even harder to change it. But knowing is the first step.
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