jealousy

I am always surprised that I feel weird inside when I see pictures of ex-boyfriends happily married.... even when I wasn't happy with them and didn't want to be married to them. I don't like to feel jealous. Who knows what goes on inside their lives and marriages... I'm sure it's not all smiles, but looking from the outside in, it sure looks that way. Yuck.

the dam

I want to cry. I want to feel. There is a dam holding back a lifetime of feelings that needs to be unplugged; uncorked. It burns in the center of my chest. Aches to be set free. But I can't access it. If I do, will I ever be able to stop the pain from flowing out of me?

Love

Love

Do I even want it anymore?

It used to be all I ever thought about.

Now I'm afraid of it. Afraid of what it did to me. Afraid to need it. Afraid to want it again. It's much safer not to want it.

One day I may be ready again. But not now. Not yet.