Thursday, February 23, 2006

Mountain Climbing

There seems to be one constant in life... change.

I choose to believe that God has a master plan for my life. And this plan is my life's journey. Whether I follow it or not is my choice.

Oddly enough, I've always envisioned this journey as if I were climbing a mountain.

Sometimes I find myself at the bottom, looking straight up. As far as I can see it's just straight up. I think to myself, "How in the world will I ever climb up that far?"

And where is it taking me anyway? It's foggy up there above the clouds. I can't see my destination... I just know deep in my soul that it's where I'm supposed to go.

But then I put one foot in front of the other and start climbing. It's tough and the way is steep. My footing is not always sure. But one day I look around and realize I'm not climbing anymore. I'm resting. I'm sitting on a level plateau a few thousand feet above where I began, and I'm enjoying the view.

"Phew," I say to myself. "I made it, and boy, does it feel great! No more work, just rest."

I know from experience that I will have more to climb. But for now, I'm just going to enjoy the the fruits of my labor. I've earned it.

Then months-weeks-years go by, and I wake up one morning and find myself once again looking up. God is nudging me to continue my ascent.

It's time to go.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Ugly Emails From Total Strangers

So I get an email saying to check my Yahoo Personals mailbox because there is a new message there. I rarely receive ugly emails like this, but when I do, I invariably shake my head.

This is what greeted me...

On 02/19/2006 09:37 pm EST, Woody wrote:
I read your profile again to see why we were obviously not a good match. The truth is I could not find a thing. Then I realized. Some women are pompous bitches that think they already know everything. Enjoy the membership. Sounds like you are a life long member. P.S. no longer am I even remotely interested. Buh bye now.


I ask myself, "What does he hope to accomplish with this?" Does he really expect me to say, "Gee, maybe I was wrong. Maybe we ARE a good match."

I'm so very thankful that he's shown me the error of my ways!

Let's review... this is how he reacts when someone is not interested in him. What would posess someone to take the time to write a total stranger an ugly email like this? Can you say "Psycho!?"

Just in case I ever wondered whether or not I was a good judge of character... I was "dead on" when it came to my assessment of whether or not this guy was a good potential match.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Time Found

Don't you just love it when you find yourself with time you didn't expect to have? Well, I do and just did.

I arrived (2 textbooks and a highlighter in hand) outside Juvenile Court at 8:30 this morning for what was to be a day spent in a crowded waiting area for the case in which I would testify to be called. (see earlier CASA post)

A deputy manning the security screener took one look at me and my textbooks and said, "Let me guess. Jury duty."

"You're close," I replied.

I was ready for a long, slow day. My plan was to pass the time by catching up on my grad school required reading. But I'd barely opened to the first page when the case was called. All parties weren't even present. Within less than 10 minutes, I was done for the day.

WOW... now what?

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you probably know what my first thought was... MASSAGE. To my delight, the receptionist at one of the local spas said, "It's your lucky day!"

So, with a 90 minute massage scheduled later in the day, I'm off, textbooks and highlighter still in hand, to catch up on my reading.

Aren't you jealous?

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentine's Day Surprise #2

Who said single girls aren't thought of on Valentine's Day? Did I say that???

I never expected to get surprised twice in one day. I'm a very lucky girl. Thanks, Dudley, for the pretty tulips.

He Knows Me Well

I just got the surprise of the century... an old boyfriend just sent me an e-card for Valentine's Day! Nothing like the unexpected surprise to brighten your day and put a smile on your face.

It was perfect... inside joke and all. He knows me so well.

I need to go back and add Barry White, Al Green, and inside jokes to my list of favorite things.

Monday, February 13, 2006

An Attitude Adjustment

Today I got an attitude adjustment, and it was just what I needed.

I was told by a male (married) co-worker friend today that I need to be less negative about the prospects of finding a guy. He's in his late 20's and has been married for a number of years and has zero concept of the online dating world. He was asking me a bunch of questions about it, and in an effort to try to explain it to him, I showed him my Yahoo! Personals profile and examples of some of the messages that have been sent to me.

As we read through them, he was the lucky recipient of my running commentary... to which he exclaimed, "Uh, that whole quiz on whether or not you are too picky was wrong. You are WAY too picky! You just look for all the negatives first.... you keep looking and pointing out all the reasons why these guys wouldn't work. THAT'S your first problem!"

Then when I mentioned, well what if I do like them and they think I'm fat?!!? He came back with, "You need to get over that! That's your second problem. Don't you think everyone on there is wondering or worrying that there is something that someone else isn't going to like about them, too?"

He continued with, "I realize you've been burned but you need to realize that you are an awesome catch and need to give yourself and these guys at least the chance of meeting once. What's the worst that could happen? Ok, so he could look at you and say,'You know, you're just a little too fat for me' and then leave and stick you with the bill. If that happened, you wouldn't die from it. And you never know, you just might have a good time."

I'm pretty optimistic in most areas of my life, but I honestly didn't realize how negative I had become about this whole thing. Thanks, Butch. I needed that attitude adjustment.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

CASA

I'm a CASA volunteer. It's short for Court Appointed Special Advocate.

On CBS The Early Show, author Anna Quindlen said this about CASA ,

"You go into a court room and you will see lawyers who know the law and
have dozens of kids' files, or you have social workers who know the regulations
and have dozens of kids' files. But if a CASA volunteer is in the room, you will
see they have just one file, and what they know is that one child. And that can
make all the difference to a judge's decision regarding how the rest of that
child's life is going to go."

My CASA child is a six-year-old blond haired, blue-eyed, fiesty little boy who doesn't deserve the hand in life he's been dealt. I go to court this Thursday for his 36-month hearing. That's right... he's been in foster care for half of his young life.

When I was sworn in by a district court judge last year, a veteran CASA performed sign language to this song. She said to remember this words to this song everytime we go to court and speak for our child. It had a profound effect on me.

In honor of him and the awesome task that's been entrusted to me, I post this song, Concrete Angel, by Martina McBride.

This one's for you, little buddy. I pray I bring you justice.

http://webratsmusic.com/video-6046-concrete-angel.php

Obligatory Valentine's Day Post

Given the theme of this blog, I'd be remiss not to post something about Valentine's Day.

Next to New Years Eve, Valentine's Day is probably the single most dreaded holiday for us lone rangers. Honestly, though, I don't dread it. Besides... I've had sucky Valentine's Days before even when I was in a relationship! (Maybe I'll post a pathetically true Valentine's story from a past relationship another time... the one where I learned of my ex's theory on a diamond and flower conspiracy!)

I only wish there were two things that I wish were different for me this Valentine's Day.
  1. Someone would send me flowers at work.
  2. I could have gone with a man I cared for on Jim Brickman's Valentine's Cruise.

Neither will happen this year, but that's ok. Flowers will still be around next Feb. 14th, and since this is the first cruise Jim's had, I hope it's a success and he does it again next year.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Friday, February 10, 2006

Accept The Risk

Hard as it is, I am willing to risk it. I may fight against it with all my might, but I continue to be willing to risk it.

Vulnerability.

I recently came across this quote about it from Dr. Phil.

"Accept the risk of vulnerability.Do not let fear paralyze your life. Wanting, reaching out and letting yourself hope makes you vulnerable. At least by putting yourself on the line, you have the chance of getting what you want, as opposed to hurting with no chance of getting what you want. Not to venture is to lose yourself."


I'm willing to risk it. Are you?



Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Ambiguous Dating

I borrowed that title from a blog I came across on the AJC's (Atlanta Journal-Constitution) website today, and it was SO fitting.

I was already planning on posting about this topic when I read this blog.

You see, my friend and I were just having this very same discussion yesterday! Guess we aren't the only ones who have found ourselves in the awkward (and sometimes frustrating as hell) position of wondering, "Was what I just went on a date?" You know that old adage, "If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck???" But in today's world, it's not that simple.

It seems like a no-brainer, but that's really only to people who've been "off the market" since the early 90's. The last 15 years or so has been ever-so-kind as to add another roadblock to the already landmine-laden road to coupledom.

Here is the original post by someone who calls herself "Laney." Of course I have tons of thoughts and my mind was racing as I read it, but I want you guys to read it and tell me what you think.

To date or…um, what is this, exactly?
By
Laney Wednesday, February 8, 2006, 08:00 AM
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

So I was supposed to go out Monday night with this absolutely adorable guy that I met via MySpace (with the matchmaking help of my girl Bryant.) However, Monday afternoon he called to cancel because he was absolutely deathly ill and on his way to the doctor. And he said something like “I was so looking forward to our date.” As disappointed as I was, there was this little voice in my head squeaking “YAY! It definitely is officially a date!”

I had a feeling even before this conversation that it was definitely going to be a Real Date. We’ve been flirting so much (and I mean, SO much. What? I’m an angel, I swear!) that there seems to be no question. But when I went out with Michael the first time, I wasn’t sure if it was a date even afterward. We had drinks at a very casual bar. We talked for a long time (three hours-plus) and he paid for my beers, but there was no overt flirtation or chemistry. I didn’t really know for sure until he emailed me the next morning to invite me to dinner the next week – then, I slapped on the retroactive classification of Probably a Date.

But it’s not always easy to tell.

My friend Annie says she STILL doesn’t know, months later, if she was dating the woman she went out with a few times or not. “We went out a half-dozen times. We always paid separately. But there was definitely chemistry. So…mixed signals galore.”

On a related note, what if you DON’T want it to be a date? One of my girlfriends asked me how she could try to make plans with a male coworker without making it sound like she was asking him on a date. She said, “If I say to him, ‘Hey, if you get off and want something to do tomorrow, call me and we’ll get a beer,’ is that casual enough? Or is it just, like, night, beer, guy and girl, must be a date?”

In order for it to be a date, do both participants have to think it is? Or is it enough for one person to have romantic intentions and the other be along for the ride? For example, let’s say the girl thinks it’s a date and the guy didn’t think so. If she’s flirting with him, touching his arm (or his leg), does it suddenly become a date that he’s gotten shanghaied into by his presence and participation?

There are certain signs that definitively push it into the “date” category – the most prominent being the goodnight kiss. Then there are the promising warning signs that indicate it probably is a date. The guy offering to pick up the tab. Lots of personal questions that go beyond small talk and the weather. And the more alcohol consumed, the more datelike and romantic it tends to suddenly seem, as my wise friend Malia points out.

If the activity gets extended, that’s another sign, I think – going on to another bar, taking a walk. The guy walking the lady home or picking her up. If friends are involved, it’s probably not a date, though it still could be.

Sometimes, what starts out not as a date can turn into one, if chemistry blossoms. It’s less likely to go the other way – if you think it’s a date to begin with, it usually stays that way, even if it becomes a bad, spark-less date.

What signs do you look for? Have you ever gotten into trouble when the status of the date wasn’t clear and one person expected more than the other? Is there any for-sure way to make it clear without being awkward?

There was one line in Laney's blog that especially rang true for me.

"Sometimes, what starts out as not a date can turn into one, if chemistry blossoms."

What if you go into it knowing it isn't a date, but it somehow starts to feel like a date? Then what do you do? Do you reclassify it? I don't think so.

The fact is, in my opinion, whatever the terms were that were set forth at the outset of the meeting (presuming some terms were), then that's what it is. It's unfair to change the rules in the middle of the game. But shame on you if you go out again and are still left to question it.

It comes down to communication. I think you have to wait till the next time you decide to get together to re-define or re-negotiate if necessary. Because what's the use in spending time with someone when all you're doing is wondering what the deal is??? How can you possibly be yourself and be comfortable if you're expending so much mental energy wondering? That sort of defeats the purpose if you ask me.

I say, if you're wondering, grow some kahunas and be straight with the person. Otherwise, you're heading for a lot more confusion and potential heartache.

My Favorite Things

A great massage

The smell of the top of my niece, Claudia's, head

Hearing my niece say "I Wuv Woo"

Reading a great quote that I totally "get"

NAPS!

A great book

My 5-month-old Goddaughter, Maggie's, bright eyes and grin

Route 44 Diet Coke from Sonic first thing in the morning

My late grandmother, Granny, aka. The Gran!

When my big brother calls me by my childhood nickname "Louie"

Having a student come to my class just to "visit"

Aunt Kava, who takes a lickin' and just keeps on tickin'

When a student who hates to read tells me that I pick "great books" and really means it

My "little cousin" Laurie who cracks me up more than just about anyone on this planet

DeAngelo's Picasso calzone on whole wheat with pepperoni, onions, artichokes, mushrooms, and extra mozzarella cheese

The palest of pink tulips

Most of my extended family living together during the month following Hurricane Katrina

Sleeping in a freezing cold room underneath a really thick, heavy duvet

Seeing mountains in the distance

Prayer

Fresh, crisp, non-humid air

A great song whose lyrics make me feel something

Getting together with my girlfriends in Atlanta and laughing until I could pee on myself

My mom's random calls to my cellphone voicemail with her singing "I Just Called To Say I Love You"

When my dad calls me "just because"

Being pampered

Baseball hats

Friday night high school football games

The fact that my sister-in-law lets me spend time with my nieces whenever I want

Getting flowers sent to me at work

April (my friend, not the month)

Romantic Jim Brickman concert at Chastain Park Amphitheatre on a summer night

Stepping on the scale and seeing that I've lost weight

Singing Verdi's Requiem

Audiobooks

Georgia Bulldogs

Blogging

Wireless High-Speed Internet

Mascara

Rooms with high ceilings

A weekend afternoon looking at new construction real estate

My cellphone

Monday, February 06, 2006

Relationship Autopsy

I'm listening to the audio version of Love Smart by Dr. Phil McGraw, and in his trademark style, he's got lots of "homework" for me to do.... lots of questions to answer to truly get to the core of why I'm still single. Part of the homework is to address what went wrong in my previous relationship. To do that, he has me doing what he calls a "Relationship Autopsy." According to his book, Dr. Phil believes that "by doing an autopsy, you take the mystery out of the train wreck. An autopsy can help you move forward with a healthy outlook - with ownership of problems that you played a role in creating, and with an awareness of what can be different."

I consider myself to be pretty self-aware and don't think I lie to myself about much. I venture to say that most people who know me well would tend to agree with that statement (if any of you are reading this, feel free to chime in and correct me if I'm wrong). But the fact of the matter is that I am still single and don't want to be if I can help it, so I'm willing to go through this autopsy to see if I can learn anything new.

At this point, I don't plan on sharing my answers to these questions here, but I may decide to at a later date. I will, however, list the questions in case any of you would like to try this at home. If you do know me well and want to enlighten me on your thoughts as to what my answers should be, by all means comment away. I'm a big girl. I can take it.

Here they are...
  1. Identify what your problems and frustrations were with your relationship.
  2. Write down the problems your partner had with you. Be honest with yourself.
  3. Write down 10 key statements about the pain you still feel and the open wounds you still have. Again, honesty is essential.
  4. You need to reconcile each of the statements you wrote down. Ask yourself: What was my role in each of these? Own what you are responsible for.
  5. What choices did you make that led to the results you got in your last relationship?
  6. You teach people how to treat you. Did you teach your partner to treat you badly?
  7. What do you have to change to get over your last relationship? How do you need to heal that?
  8. What do you want to leave behind you from your last relationship? Only when you acknowledge it, can you take the steps to prevent repetition.
  9. You need emotional closure. To get that, you need to figure out what your "minimal effective response" is - the least thing you can do to get the closure. It may be yelling and screaming, writing your thoughts down, or actually talking to your ex. If you need to take these steps to feel like you've stood up for yourself, do it.

I will take some time to do this exercise and let you know if I find it to be useful. It certainly can't hurt!

Friday, February 03, 2006

Perfect Love

This was given to me by a college boyfriend named Andy when we were dating. It's kind of ironic that he would give it to me while we were dating, but he was a bit of a deep thinker and over-analyzer like me. I honestly have no recollection of the circumstances under which he gave it to me. I only remember that he said his aunt had given it to him.

My mother must have kept it (the woman has files for everything!) and gave it to me a while back when I was struggling with feeling alone and had lost hope that I would ever find anyone. I read it out loud to myself to help it to really sink in, and I re-read it from time-to-time to keep me focused on the positive. I keep it in my bible.

I don't know the author, nor does the sheet I have list a title for it. I did find something on the web with the title "God's Mate Selection," but I don't like it. It sounds way to sterile and pragmatic for something that has seemed a bit magical to me. So I'll try to forget that someone gave it that title.

Here it is...

Everyone longs to give himself to someone--To have a deep soul relationship with
another; To be loved thoroughly and exclusively; But God, to a Christian says:

"No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by
Me alone; with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me alone; with having
an intense, personal, and unique relationship with Me; Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have for you. You will never be united with another until you
are united with Me; Exclusive of anyone or anything else; Exclusive of anyone to
hear desires or longings.

I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing--One that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best! Please allow Me to give you the best. You just keep watching Me, experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things I tell you. You just wait, that's all.

Don't be anxious; don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking to Me, or you'll miss what I want to show you.

And then, when you're ready. I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would dream of. You see, until you are ready, and the one I have for you is ready. (For I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time); Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me, and the life I've prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me. (For this is the perfect love.)

And, dear child, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see, in the flesh, a picture of your relationship with Me. And enjoy, materially and concretely, the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am God; believe it, and be satisfied.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Polyfidelity - An Alternative To Divorce?

Chalk this up as another example of how wrong a direction America is going in.

I'm rarely home at this time and able to watch TV. But today I happened to be home and turned on Dr. Phil. The show's topic today is Polyfidelity... not polygamy, but polyfidelity. Is there a difference? According to the guest on today's show there is.

On the Dr. Phil website, under the heading Twisted Love, it says, "For three months, Charles has been juggling a relationship with Tracy, his wife of 19 years, and another woman. He wants to explore polyfidelity and be shared by the two women. Can a man introduce another woman into his marriage and form a healthy, 'triangular' relationship, in which he is shared by his wife and mistress?

This man truly believed that this polyfidelity thing was a viable alternative and answer to growing bored in his nearly 20-year marriage. Charles believes he can "handle keeping both women emotionally and sexually fulfilled." He says, "I've always been blessed with a boundless dimension of energy. To me, it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. It was a great ride."

I just bet it was!

My immediate thought is ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!? This dude is completely dilusional and this woman is pathetic. Now I'm all for trying everything to save a marriage, but this is ridiculous!

Charles unapologetically continues by saying,"I'm getting a little older, and I think I'm looking for a change. I think I have exhausted my relationship with her after 22 years. I was with both women for a period of three months. I even amazed myself as far as the sex is concerned. Didn't even know that I was capable of doing it because I'm nearly 50 and I was acting like a 25-year-old. I have needs, and I needed more, and I got that with the other woman. The sex was actually a gift from the other woman to my wife. I know that sounds unbelievable, but it actually woke something up inside of me with her."

So he was doing his wife a favor????? What a self-important and pompous ass!

I also find it so very sad that this woman must have the absolute lowest self-esteem to even explore this concept. And she did explore it. She agreed to go with her husband and his mistress to some "Alternative Lifestyle Counselor" (whatever the hell that is?!). It's only after exploring it that she decided that she was unequivocally not ok with it. In my opinion, why do you even have to explore it to know that? But after she said no to polyfidelity (I hate to even dignify it by giving it a "name"), Charles got mad and indignant.

"I became very angry when my wife decided, 'It's just not for me and I'm not going to do it,'" says Charles. "It has worked for thousands of years, in other cultures, so why should we be victimized just because we live in America and not have an opportunity to be able to express ourselves emotionally and lovingly the way that I have been trying to do with these two women? I'm willing to go on the show and show people out there that you don't have to get a divorce, you can have a loving and sincere relationship with more than one woman."

Oh, you're right, Charles, you are such a martyr. Thanks for trying to help us all out.

Charles says that he now knows this is not an option for them, but he still wants to know WHY he did this in the first place? Oh, there's a reason more that simply being arrogant and selfish??

Not really, but Dr. Phil did give a little more of an answer. He said, "When you stood up all those years ago, in those wedding pictures we saw, you didn't say, 'I agree to be your life partner until I feel that I've worn you out, until I have exhausted my relationship with you.' I think you just cut a deal back then, and now you're trying to re-trade the deal because you hit a time when you [two] disconnected and it wasn't very much fun."

"Yes," Charles agrees.

"But I'm going to tell you something," Dr. Phil continues. "You just don't fix relationship problems ever, by turning outside the relationship. All that does is run it off in the ditch. But, if the only point of view you're considering is your own, then it makes sense because that feels good.

You know, I used to like Dr. Phil, but in recent years he seems to have gotten a bit Jerry Springeresque for me. That being said, I liked what he had to say.

In the end, Charles agreed to go to counseling, but unless this guy gets a personality lobotomy, I can't imagine much changing.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Match Me If You Can!

Ok. I just have to tell you how much I'm LOVING the book, Match Me If You Can! by Susan Elizabeth Phillips. I'm listening to the unabridged version on CD (my favorite) in my car right now. It's hilarious and sweet and sexy all at the same time.

I haven't enjoyed a book this much in a very long time. Maybe it's the fact that it's about a matchmaker, Annabelle, 31, who is single herself, not to mention a bit neurotic. She's a bit of an underdog, so of course, I'm rooting for her. It also may be that as a former client of It's Just Lunch in Atlanta, I have a bit of an idea what it's like to have a matchmaker. Although, I have to say that my matchmaker never seemed quite so committed to my happiness. It was more about the almighty dollar than anything else, but that's another story.

Speaking of It's Just Lunch... I actually investigated purchasing the IJL franchise for New Orleans about two years ago. WOW... post-Katrina, can you guess how glad I am that that didn't happen. Can you imagine what a disaster THAT would have been??? I seriously doubt the market is ripe for candidates these days!

Anyway, this book is a light and fun read regardless of whether or not you're single. I can't wait to get back in my car to hear what's going to happen next but am sad to know that it's almost over.