Journey

I've waited.

I've prayed.

I've cried.

I've begged.

I've laughed.

I've run.

I've pleaded.

I've crawled.

I've lied.

I've compromised.

I've justified.

I've climbed.

I've searched.

I've discovered.

I've found... love.

Old and New Realizations

Do I have a fear of commitment? I think I do. And that scares the hell out of me. Even on the most basic level such as committing to dinner too far in advance. It makes me feel boxed in and claustrophobic.

That's not good, and I'm certainly not proud of it.

But the funny thing is, that as far as relationships go, I have committed myself before... or have at least been willing to. It seems as if the major anxiety and claustrophobic feeling comes before I decide whether or not to go with it. Once I do, I'm all there.

But I truly believe there is something to this fear that if I could only address it and deal with it, then I could get past it. I believe it may be keeping me from getting what I want... a good, healthy, productive marriage and family.

I believe that I am afraid of responsibility. That it is at the root of this fear, too. It's much easier NOT to be responsible when you don't have to be. Sure, I can be responsible for some things like my job, etc. But I'm talking about big things. Like my life.

I also believe that I don't trust myself. This is certainly a recurring theme for me in my life. I don't trust my ability to make good decisions. It doesn't matter that I have made decent decisions in my life because I tell myself that I've pretty much always sought the counsel of my parents before doing so.

What in the world will I do when they are gone? That scares the hell out of me, too. I truly believe at my core that my mom and dad are the only two people who I can count on NOT to let me down.

I know that's not healthy, and I know that it's not conducive to building a healthy relationship.

I have a LOT more work to do on myself, but the realizations in this blog help point me in the right direction.

You CAN teach an old dog new tricks.

The "old dog" I'm referring to is me.

I had the BEST TIME Saturday with the Fireman! I traveled to visit him this time, and he had a great day planned. We were just going to do the things he does all the time, but I've never done in my life.

Here are my new tricks:

1. We fished (but didn't catch anything). After a few false starts at casting, I got the hang of it.
2. Rode a 4-wheeler throughout his family's 80+ acres. I tried to drive but found I'm a much better passenger.
3. I climbed a deer stand. My choice, not his.
4. And last, but certainly not least, I was kissed in a trailer! Ok... I could totally live w/o that last part... the trailer, that is. The kissing was great!

I also met his dad. And I swear after listening to the two of them talk, I could maybe make out every 3rd word! It was like they were speaking another language. But it's all fair because he said I talk so fast that he can hardly make out what I'm saying, too.

We talked about how we come from two totally different worlds, but it's ok. I have a lot to learn from him and he from me. He even told me to correct him when he says something incorrectly. Of course, I told him to be careful what you wish for... that he may of unleashed the devil! :-)

So we had grammar lesson number one yesterday - want is spelled with an a and not an o. Lesson number 2 will either be were is spelled with an e and not an a or the whole thank/think thing. Not sure yet.

Gotta go right now!

It's times like these that make me re-think my decision to work in (as Neal Boortz so aptly calls it) a government school.

So I get to school today to find an email telling me that "The restrooms are NOT operating today due to low water pressure. If you, or one of your students, has an emergency come to the front office. All bathrooms must remain locked until further notice. Maintenance is here working on the problem."

What?!?!?!? Are you kidding?!?!?!?! Isn't that illegal?!!!!?!?!?!

What are our tax dollars paying for?

Thank for Think???

Ok. I'm really confused. I'm really trying to understand something. How does someone get to age 34 and not know the difference between "thank" and "think" or "look" and "like" or "well" and "will?" And what does that say about the person who uses the words incorrectly?

Does it say anything at all?

Does it indicate a learning disability? (As a special education teacher, that's the first question that comes to mind.)

Does it indicate ignorance? Lack of education? What?!?!

Maybe I wouldn't even notice if I weren't a Language Arts teacher.

Why do I even care?

Because he's really nice and attentive and attractive and funny and considerate and noble and regularly goes to church, etc... etc... etc...

I'm referring to the Fireman.

He's not a meathead or anything. That's not what I mean. But it's so strange. He writes how he talks (MAJOR country twang) which isn't in and of itself an odd thing. It's more than that.

For example, he sent me a text message telling me that he was going to buy a bike. Instead of writing "I think I'm going to look for a bike," he wrote "I thank I'm going to like for a bike." And it wasn't a typo... for one, the letters a and i don't share keys and neither do i and o. That would be one explanation. But it's not. Plus, he's written "thank" for "think" several times, as well as written the word "well" for "will." And then I got to thinking... that's EXACTLY how he would pronounce the words. It's one thing to sound like you are saying "thank" when you say "think" because of an accent, but it's another thing all together to write it.

Who does that!?!?!?! Who doesn't know the difference between "thank" and "think" ???

I swear the only time I've ever encountered that is with my students in Special Education. Which leads me back to my original question of a learning disability. I would probably be relieved if that were the case because I get what that's about. That makes total sense and doesn't equal ignorance. And it certainly doesn't indicate a character flaw or anything. But it's not like I'm gonna ask him, "Hey, by the way, would you have been in my class when you were in high school?"

But to me, just not knowing there is a difference DOES indicate ignorance and a lack of education. To me, that indicates a major flaw. That's pretty basic and elementary. How do you get through high school and NOT know the difference? I don't think there is any excuse for that in this day and age.

Which leads me back to the thought that if it's a disability then I'm ok with it, but if it's ignorance then I'm not. I guess maybe that will become more apparent as time goes by.

Why?

What would possess someone to purposely post insulting comments on another person's blog? What could this person possibly gain from doing that?

Case in point is the latest comment posted by "Anonymous."

Who is this person, and what could I have possibly done to him/her to provoke this? According to said person, he/she doesn't even know me. That's even stranger if it's true.

(Think I should point out to Anonymous that condescending as a "d" in it???? Nah... that would be uppity and shallow of me.)

Here it is.

Anonymous said...
Just an illustration to show that you are an uppity, self centered, two faced, shallow and condescening person. It doesn't matter to me if your feelings are hurt or not.

Live and Learn

I wish I hadn't told so many people about this blog because now I have to censor some of what I write about. It stinks, but you live and you learn.

The Self Observer

One of my professors talks about how important it is to teachers to be good self observers.

Wow, I've finally found a place where this nagging, obnoxious, intruding, and sometimes anxiety-provoking attribute of mine comes in handy. I sometimes forget that not everyone has honed this skill, but it's not hard to spot those who haven't.

Gotta add that to my list.

ARGH!!!!

Ok... I'm pissed off (sorry, Mom, I said the "p" word). Not at anyone in particular, just in general. I have spent the past two days fielding several "off blog" emails from people who have read what I've written and then taken it so personally. Hello... this blog was not written TO you nor ABOUT you. This was not some sort of backhanded, passive-agressive way to tell you something.

I was simply exploring a question in my mind about what I am attracted to and why I'm attracted to someone... should I try to change my idea of what's most important to me? what's essential and non-negotiable? The whole point of my blog in general has been to chronicle my personal journey through this year of dating... not to use it as a veil to hide behind when I want to address someone about something but am too afraid to tell them.

I've been taken to task on the fact that I said this man was "country," "simple," no college degree," "wasn't intellectual," etc. How could I be so insensitive because not everyone has the financial means to go to college! If you re-read my original blog, I said just because of those things does that mean he is not intelligent? I don't think so." Which means, I don't think this guy is un-intelligent. I just did NOT go into too many specifics. Besides... this is NOT a blog on whether or not there is a correlation with IQ and college attendance. It is a blog about my dating life, and therefore, what I'm attracted to.

I am posting my response to one such email because it best describes my thoughts on the whole matter.

"Look you are entitled to your opinion. I just don't happen to agree with it.

As a teacher (and one who teaches English and Reading), I place a very high value on education. I will not apologize for that. Not everyone needs or can afford to go to college. But I am typically attracted to intellectual men. That's just a fact. And typically intellectual men have gone to college. A blog never fully explores every facet of a situation, nor do I fully write every thought or feeling I have about the topic. So if you read it, you have to realize that it may appear very one dimensional. However, I am not.

I don't need to justify what I meant when I said 'hold my attention.' If you choose to believe, as 'anonymous' does, that I am shallow and condescending, then so be it. You must not know me very well. If you did, then you would know that there is so much more depth to how I feel.

Intellect is a big part of what attracts me to someone and holds that attraction. I know from experience that when that is not present, I'm not attracted for long.

I admire this man (the fireman) for his dedication and commitment to serving his community as a fireman. I think that is awesome and find it very sexy. I just need the other stuff, too."

An open letter to "Anonymous"

Grow some cojones and disagree with me like a man and don't hide behind an anonymous identity.

There is nothing worse than someone who feels the need to insult you but doesn't have the guts to "show his face" so to speak.

This is a forum for me to be me. And it allows for discourse and sometimes disagreement, but I have zero respect for someone who can't identify himself.

Besides, if I am so condescending and annoy you so much, quit reading my blog.

Departure from the norm

Stepping out of my comfort zone is never an easy thing to do. But I think there is value in it.

I've never been one to be attracted to brawn over brains. The brains part has always been such a big part of what attracts me to someone. I've dated guys with "brains and not much brawn" so why not try "brawn without much brains?" He didn't graduate from college; barely attended a junior college. He's a fireman and works construction.

But it's really not that simple. This guy has a brain; he's just not a "brainy" kind of guy. I hesitate to label him as "simple" because there seems to be more to him and more underneath his sweet, muscular, country-boy exterior.

It's in the way he looks at me... dead-on, straight in the eyes as if he's getting every word. He just has trouble expressing himself back to me. As if he doesn't have the vocabulary to do so. But does that mean he's dumb? I doubt it. Can he hold my interest? I don't know. We'll see.

Can men and women really JUST be friends? - addendum

After reading some of your comments and further discussion, I feel the need to add an addendum to the post.

I do think that men and women can be just friends, but the key to it being sucessful is communication. Isn't that the case with most things in life?

Upon further reflection, I believe that my male friend (mentioned in the original post) was in all actuality attracted to me, but we really were just friends. I think we were only able to do so because he was mature enough to put his attraction aside and I didn't use it for personal gain or ego gratification. And I think if you asked him today, he would say that it was a very close and fulfilling friendship for both of us.

I guess we both needed each other's friendship at the time enough to get past it. And we communicated very well with one another. There wasn't any confusion, and he didn't have any misconceptions that he could "win me over" or anything. Nor did I take advantage of his attraction to me and use it for my gain. That wasn't the point, and it wasn't an ongoing issue that needed to be dealt with. He was simply my best friend, and I loved him for that.

I realized that I didn't really address the issue of whether or not men and women could be "just friends" if they are both attracted to one another.

As was so astutely pointed out to me, it also can be done with good communication. But both people have to acknowledge the mutual attraction and discuss why it isn't wise to act on it.

Then I think it can work.

Can men and women really JUST be friends?

One of my all-time favorite movies is When Harry Met Sally. I think Billy Crystal's humor is hilarious. Rarely do I watch something he's in and NOT laugh.

But there is a question in the movie as to whether men and women can really just be friends. In the beginning of the movie, Sally says that men and women can in fact be "just friends," but Harry goes on and on about how it's just not possible because "sex" is always there.

Honestly, I think it's the rare exception, if ever, that it can happen. In my experience the only way it can really work is if neither is attracted to the other, nor wants anything more than friendship from the other. Thus removing the "sex" issue.

I've had one meaningful, truly platonic friendship with another single male. We didn't start out in a dating scenario. There was no attraction there... at least there wasn't on my part and I'm assuming that there wasn't any on his part. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but he told me that he knew from the very beginning that I was only interested in him as a friend. We talked about everything... and I mean EVERYTHING. I knew all about the dates he went on, etc. Neither of us was in a serious relationship during this time, so there was never a conflict with another woman. He was my best friend, and I learned a lot.

I also have tried being "friends" with people who I've dated or at least been on a date with, and it hasn't really worked. Sometimes I've been the one not interested in a romantic relationship with him and other times, he was the disinterested one.

But invariably it never works.

When one wants more, no matter how hard he or she tries to be "ok" with just being friends, it just never works. It invariably ends in resentment or hurt feelings for one and guilt and/or annoyance for the other.