Wednesday, January 27, 2010


I am beautiful and broken.
I wonder what the world really sees.
I hear clocks ticking.
I see a future laid before me.
I want to be heard.
I am beautiful and broken.

I pretend to be whole.
I feel inadequate at times.
I touch the ragged scars.
I worry about never being satisfied.
I cry over lost innocence.
I am beautiful and broken.

I understand that I have worth.
I say let others hear your voice.
I dream of one day becoming a mother.
I try to let others see my fragility.
I hope it is appreciated.
I am beautiful and broken.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Say What You Need To Say

My American Lit students are studying Transcendentalism, and while I can't take credit for creating this assignment, it was a good one. When the students (11th graders) walked into class, they were asked to respond the following quick write:

"So, I would say, you've got a part. What's your part? Who you are. You are who, who you are." -Pearl Jam

In your own words, what does this mean? How would you answer the question: Who are you? Explain. What is another song that also has transcendental ideas? Explain.

My fellow teacher and I decided to complete this, too, and share it with them. I sat down at a student desk for 5 minutes and wrote. Here is what I said.

We each are put on this earth for a reason and a part to play. No one else has the exact unique qualities we do, so we owe to the world to bring it out and show it.

I am a seeker, a helper, an aunt, a daughter, a sister, a teacher, a friend. I am a survivor and an overcomer. I am honest and good and an example of healthy brokenness put back together and stronger because of it.

The song that popped into my head as I was writing this was Say by John Mayer. The lyrics that jumped out to me are "Even if your hands are shaking and your faith is broken, even as the eyes are closing. Do it with a heart wide open. Say what you need to say."

The world needs to hear my voice.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010

So we asked our 9th graders to do a freewrite on the following topic: Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010. Basically, we asked them to identify what they would and would not miss about 2009 and what they are looking forward to in 2010. In an effort to model the assignment, I decided to complete this assignment with them.

Here is the result in the exact, stream-of-consciousness way in which it was written:

I will not miss my mom and dad worrying about money. I will not miss Andy. I will not miss being fat and eating unhealthy. I will not miss running, but I want to incorporate it a little into 2010. I used to enjoy it, but it became a chore for me. I want to say hello to the newer, confident me. I want to say goodbye to the painful pains of the past. Goodbye to my self-doubt and insecurity - well I guess I will always have some level of doubt, but I won't "live there." I will say goodbye to my 30's and hello to my 40's. WOW-what a big year for me! It's huge actually. I have the power to do and be anything and ALL that I want to be. I can/WILL have a healthy body that I am proud of. I will be confident to show it off. I will explore it as an adult. I will forever stop limiting myself and my goals. I will go for the big goal. I will be in a bikini!!! Wow! That's scary to say that. How vulnerable I will be - But I will be strong and fit and capable. I will eat to live and not live to eat. I will allow myself to enjoy food and not use it. Not use it to hide from the world. I will not secret it away. I will eat it and be clean on the inside. I will treat my body with the respect it deserves - with the utmost respect. I will pose for photographs and be proud of what I see. I will look and feel healthy. I will take care of my mind and guard my time. I will be willing to share myself only with those who are trustworthy. I will commit to keep attending CoDA with renewed vigor. I will love myself and enjoy my own company. I will risk being known and be proud to stand on who I am - stand on that platform and be proud of what I accomplished. I will renew myself regularly with new challenges. I will trust my body and my trainer. I will be wise with how I spend my money. I will no longer stuff myself with greasy, unhealthy, non-nutritional value meals. I deserve better. I will live purer and cleaner. My health and skin and body will reflect the love and respect I have for it. I will rediscover the me who has been dying to be trusted to come out - to emerge. I will love her. I will care for her. I will help her . I will respect her. I will keep her safe in HEALTHY ways that are productive and conducive to sharing my life with the world and those closest to me. I am proud of who I have become. I am proud of who I am becoming. I will trust and love my kids (students), and I will let them see the love and value I have in them - that I see in them. My worth will show their worth. I will be proud of the me that I present and show and share with the world. No more secret Lauren.

Friday, May 08, 2009


I am always surprised that I feel weird inside when I see pictures of ex-boyfriends happily married.... even when I wasn't happy with them and didn't want to be married to them. I don't like to feel jealous. Who knows what goes on inside their lives and marriages... I'm sure it's not all smiles, but looking from the outside in, it sure looks that way. Yuck.

the dam

I want to cry. I want to feel. There is a dam holding back a lifetime of feelings that needs to be unplugged; uncorked. It burns in the center of my chest. Aches to be set free. But I can't access it. If I do, will I ever be able to stop the pain from flowing out of me?



Do I even want it anymore?

It used to be all I ever thought about.

Now I'm afraid of it. Afraid of what it did to me. Afraid to need it. Afraid to want it again. It's much safer not to want it.

One day I may be ready again. But not now. Not yet.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Am I Marriable? Is he?

While perusing a Christian bookstore, those two questions jumped out at me from the cover of a book. It's called Marriable: taking the desperate out of dating by newlyweds Hayley and Michael DiMarco. Given the present relationship state (or lack thereof) I'm in, I had to check it out further. On the back it listed some of the chapter titles which are:
  • How Being "Just Friends" Is a Waste of Time
  • Desperate Lies Women Tell Themselves
  • Men Lie to Get What They Want
  • Nice Guys Really Do Finish Last
  • Don't Marry Your Best Friend Unless You're Gay

You KNOW I had to get it!

So far I've found it to really be "on the mark." It's written in a light and witty way and, for me, the proverbial light bulb has gone off quite a few times... definite "a-ha" moments.

You can check out their website for more information at Let me know what you think!

Monday, January 01, 2007


I rang in 2006 last year with great anticipation that it would be "the year." The year when I met HIM. Well, as far as I know, I haven't.

But that's ok.

2006 was a really good year with a lot of personal and professional changes. I'm starting 2007 with a new job, a new home, a new financial situation, and a new attitude.

My focus for 2007 is my spiritual health.

My hope is that in my journey to understand my spirituality better, I will gain balance and a sense of peace. I know not what the future holds, but knowing myself better can only equip me to better handle any challenges that come.