Ambiguous Dating

I borrowed that title from a blog I came across on the AJC's (Atlanta Journal-Constitution) website today, and it was SO fitting.

I was already planning on posting about this topic when I read this blog.

You see, my friend and I were just having this very same discussion yesterday! Guess we aren't the only ones who have found ourselves in the awkward (and sometimes frustrating as hell) position of wondering, "Was what I just went on a date?" You know that old adage, "If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck???" But in today's world, it's not that simple.

It seems like a no-brainer, but that's really only to people who've been "off the market" since the early 90's. The last 15 years or so has been ever-so-kind as to add another roadblock to the already landmine-laden road to coupledom.

Here is the original post by someone who calls herself "Laney." Of course I have tons of thoughts and my mind was racing as I read it, but I want you guys to read it and tell me what you think.

To date or…um, what is this, exactly?
By Laney Wednesday, February 8, 2006, 08:00 AM
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

So I was supposed to go out Monday night with this absolutely adorable guy that I met via MySpace (with the matchmaking help of my girl Bryant.) However, Monday afternoon he called to cancel because he was absolutely deathly ill and on his way to the doctor. And he said something like “I was so looking forward to our date.” As disappointed as I was, there was this little voice in my head squeaking “YAY! It definitely is officially a date!”

I had a feeling even before this conversation that it was definitely going to be a Real Date. We’ve been flirting so much (and I mean, SO much. What? I’m an angel, I swear!) that there seems to be no question. But when I went out with Michael the first time, I wasn’t sure if it was a date even afterward. We had drinks at a very casual bar. We talked for a long time (three hours-plus) and he paid for my beers, but there was no overt flirtation or chemistry. I didn’t really know for sure until he emailed me the next morning to invite me to dinner the next week – then, I slapped on the retroactive classification of Probably a Date.

But it’s not always easy to tell.

My friend Annie says she STILL doesn’t know, months later, if she was dating the woman she went out with a few times or not. “We went out a half-dozen times. We always paid separately. But there was definitely chemistry. So…mixed signals galore.”

On a related note, what if you DON’T want it to be a date? One of my girlfriends asked me how she could try to make plans with a male coworker without making it sound like she was asking him on a date. She said, “If I say to him, ‘Hey, if you get off and want something to do tomorrow, call me and we’ll get a beer,’ is that casual enough? Or is it just, like, night, beer, guy and girl, must be a date?”

In order for it to be a date, do both participants have to think it is? Or is it enough for one person to have romantic intentions and the other be along for the ride? For example, let’s say the girl thinks it’s a date and the guy didn’t think so. If she’s flirting with him, touching his arm (or his leg), does it suddenly become a date that he’s gotten shanghaied into by his presence and participation?

There are certain signs that definitively push it into the “date” category – the most prominent being the goodnight kiss. Then there are the promising warning signs that indicate it probably is a date. The guy offering to pick up the tab. Lots of personal questions that go beyond small talk and the weather. And the more alcohol consumed, the more datelike and romantic it tends to suddenly seem, as my wise friend Malia points out.

If the activity gets extended, that’s another sign, I think – going on to another bar, taking a walk. The guy walking the lady home or picking her up. If friends are involved, it’s probably not a date, though it still could be.

Sometimes, what starts out not as a date can turn into one, if chemistry blossoms. It’s less likely to go the other way – if you think it’s a date to begin with, it usually stays that way, even if it becomes a bad, spark-less date.

What signs do you look for? Have you ever gotten into trouble when the status of the date wasn’t clear and one person expected more than the other? Is there any for-sure way to make it clear without being awkward?

There was one line in Laney's blog that especially rang true for me.

"Sometimes, what starts out as not a date can turn into one, if chemistry blossoms."

What if you go into it knowing it isn't a date, but it somehow starts to feel like a date? Then what do you do? Do you reclassify it? I don't think so.

The fact is, in my opinion, whatever the terms were that were set forth at the outset of the meeting (presuming some terms were), then that's what it is. It's unfair to change the rules in the middle of the game. But shame on you if you go out again and are still left to question it.

It comes down to communication. I think you have to wait till the next time you decide to get together to re-define or re-negotiate if necessary. Because what's the use in spending time with someone when all you're doing is wondering what the deal is??? How can you possibly be yourself and be comfortable if you're expending so much mental energy wondering? That sort of defeats the purpose if you ask me.

I say, if you're wondering, grow some kahunas and be straight with the person. Otherwise, you're heading for a lot more confusion and potential heartache.