We all have them.
Eharmony.com's founder, Dr. Neil Clark Warren calls them Must Haves and Can't Stands. In college my friends and I called them Grounds for Divorce. The American Heritage Dictionary defines it as non-marketable (hmmm.... ironic? sounds like another idea for a post!). Many call them Standards.
Are they truly NON negotiable? I don't know. I've certainly negotiated on a few in the past. Mainly if the physical attraction was there. But those relationships didn't work out, so should I have been willing to negotiate? My understanding of what Dr. Warren says about them is that there are numerous things that we prefer or even want/don't want, but that there should be a maximum of 10 things (I guess he had to pick a number) we absolutely Must Have and absolutely Can't Stand in a mate. Everything else is up for grabs or as they say, negotiable. The odd thing for me is that my list changes as time goes by. So that in and of itself, may be the answer to my question of whether or not something should truly be non-negotiable.
But I digress...
Here's my list...
MUST HAVES
1. Believe in God
2. Physical attraction to each other
3. Ability to express love and affection
4. Be as tall or taller than I am
5. Want biological children or be willing to adopt
6. Get along with my immediate family
7. Ability to adapt to life's ups and downs
8. Ability and willingness to accept outside help if needed
9. Level of intelligence equal to or greater than mine
10. Similar moral and political values as mine
CAN'T STANDS
1. Current addiction
2. Engaging in any kind of sexual activity outside of our relationship
3. Victim mentality
4. Mean spirited nature
5. Demeaning personality
6. Daily smoking
6 comments:
I have valued the concept of having a non-negotiable list for over 15 years. I had always applied it professionally. I had to do some deep soul searching when I studied from master's degree in education leadership and policy studies. In short, one the focuses of the program was to determine one's non-negotiable as they related to leadership. I carried my list in my pocket for year and it served me well in several difficult moments. I think many of the same aspects apply to relationships.
The key point you mentioned for me was these qualities change with time. The second law of thermodynamics is entropy. It is a law of nature that everything breaks down over time. Relationships are no different. I believe with new experiences our epistemologies and ideologies change. Thus the outcome is reshaping who we are as people and in our relationships. With a relationship, both must seek strategies to adjust with time or face growing apart. But we hear that time and time again. Yet we see so few relationships that grow to that level. I think part of my non-negotiable list will include a soul-mate that helps me to grow in ways I never anticipated improving the richness of life. And finding a soul-mate whose actions never stifle the best qualities that define who I am.
It seems as if you're saying that at a basic level you want someone who values and champions who you are at the core of your being.
The second law of thermodynamics is an interesting one, and I definitely think it applies to relationships. That is why one of my non-negotiables listed is the ability and willingness to accept outside help if needed to learn the strategies necessary to deal with the adjustment.
Your interpretation is prods me to reflect a bit. I think at a basic level I believe in a relationship both should be supported, valued, and yes championed. Who else other than a life partner is the best support system? I once read that friendship is defined as accepting a person in spite of their faults or mistakes. Almost like that fan that supports their team through all victories and defeats. Unconditional love…
I think it is easy to for relationships to start in this fashion. The challenge is for the relationship to grow and foster over time… I believe with my heart this is possible with the attributes of loyalty, commitment, dedication, and unconditional love.
I believe it can, too. My parents are shining examples of this. On February 2nd, they will have been married for 43 years. And they were together for 5 years prior to marriage. Perhaps their example has encouraged me to "hold out" for something akin to their relationship. Not exactly the same b/c times are different than when they met. But I know what is possible, and I'm not willing to settle for anything less.
Interesting list, but to me, it is only when you open your heart do you see somebody at the gates.
Interesting, dudley... you're right that you have to open your heart, but it's not just about heart.
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