Old and New Realizations

Do I have a fear of commitment? I think I do. And that scares the hell out of me. Even on the most basic level such as committing to dinner too far in advance. It makes me feel boxed in and claustrophobic.

That's not good, and I'm certainly not proud of it.

But the funny thing is, that as far as relationships go, I have committed myself before... or have at least been willing to. It seems as if the major anxiety and claustrophobic feeling comes before I decide whether or not to go with it. Once I do, I'm all there.

But I truly believe there is something to this fear that if I could only address it and deal with it, then I could get past it. I believe it may be keeping me from getting what I want... a good, healthy, productive marriage and family.

I believe that I am afraid of responsibility. That it is at the root of this fear, too. It's much easier NOT to be responsible when you don't have to be. Sure, I can be responsible for some things like my job, etc. But I'm talking about big things. Like my life.

I also believe that I don't trust myself. This is certainly a recurring theme for me in my life. I don't trust my ability to make good decisions. It doesn't matter that I have made decent decisions in my life because I tell myself that I've pretty much always sought the counsel of my parents before doing so.

What in the world will I do when they are gone? That scares the hell out of me, too. I truly believe at my core that my mom and dad are the only two people who I can count on NOT to let me down.

I know that's not healthy, and I know that it's not conducive to building a healthy relationship.

I have a LOT more work to do on myself, but the realizations in this blog help point me in the right direction.