Body Image

Body image and dating.

The two definitely go hand in hand for me. It's something I'm certainly struggling with right now. I'm not very happy with my body, and it's really hard to think of "putting myself out there" at the weight I am right now.

Brief explanation... my current issue mainly stems from the recent discovery that I have hypothyroidism caused by Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (http://www.4woman.gov/faq/hashimoto.htm). It's an autoimmune disease that attacks my thyroid gland causing it to not produce the proper hormones. This adversely affects my metabolism. It pretty much shuts down and slows to a snail's pace. As a result, I've gained a significant amount of weight and am having a hell of a time getting it off. Nothing I've been successful with in the past has worked this time.

So I've been reading this book called Intuitive Eating (http://www.intuitiveeating.com) which is all about being the "anti-diet." I learned of this book and approach after reading an article about Katharine McPhee, the American Idol runner-up, who battled bulimia and found success through this program. The goal of this approach is to make peace with food. Lord, do I ever need to do that! We have had this extremely volatile relationship all of my life. I've been dieting on and off for 25 years... literally! My mom says that I was in the first grade the first time a doctor said I was overweight for my age. My first "official" diet was in the 6th grade for goodness sake!

It's embarrassing to admit this, but it's true. I've run the gamut from starvation to bulimia and everything in-between. I'm not involved in any of those extreme behaviors now - haven't been in a number of years - and I don't plan on resorting to any of those anymore. I just want to be healthy. But it's really hard to believe that I'll ever look like "me" again.

It's just a scary concept to give up dieting. I'm so afraid that it won't work, and I'll just become obese. But I've tried everything else, so why not this. It's certainly a leap of faith. Because I'm supposed to eat what I want when I want it and to stop when I feel full. The theory is that eventually I'll learn to re-recognize the feelings of real hunger and real satiety or fullness. There's a lot more to it than that and I'm over-simplifying it for this blog, but that's the gist of it. I'm still reading the book, so I don't have a good understanding of all of the intricacies yet to explain them.

So what does that have to do with dating? Well, for me it's a big deal. I just don't feel very attractive, so it affects my confidence level. I don't feel like I'm able to put my best foot forward. Ok, so this might sound nuts, but I feel a bit like I don't deserve to date looking like this. I mean, who wants to date a fatso? I just look in the mirror and don't recognize the girl staring back at me. I look like someone else, not myself.

But I also am trying to accept myself for who I am and what I look like today. I'm going to the gym and trying not to become totally paralyzed by this, but it's really tough.