36

Ahhh... 36. I have a good life. I'm not where I thought I'd be at 36, but I can't say that my life isn't good. I'm lucky.... no, I'm blessed... that's more accurate.

I'm blessed to be alive.

I'm blessed to have the means to live and experience life on my own terms.

I'm blessed that my parents are still alive.

I'm blessed to have parents who love and support me in any and every way I can possibly imagine.

I'm blessed with friends who care about me.

I'm blessed with talent.

I'm blessed with two beautiful and special nieces who make my insides quiver with delight just because they exist.

I'm blessed to have a relationship with God.

I'm blessed with a sweet and special cat.

I'm blessed with determination.

I'm blessed to have people think enough of me to entrust me as their child's Godmother.

I'm blessed to have a wonderful extended family.

I'm blessed with opportunities and choices.

I'm blessed with a mind that never stops.

I'm blessed with the ability to be empathetic.

I'm blessed with compassion.

I'm blessed with experience.

I'm blessed with a hopeful spirit.

I'm blessed with the ability to see the bigger picture of life.

I'm blessed with regret.

I'm blessed to have ex-boyfriends still care about me.

I'm blessed with desire.

I'm blessed with a quick wit.

I'm blessed with a pretty face.

I'm blessed with a body frame that allows me to carry extra weight.

I'm blessed with good sight.

I'm blessed with a good memory.

I'm blessed with a never-ending thirst for knowledge.

Love Is Always Worth The Ache

Every time I allow myself to feel, I am risking my heart getting trampled on. It's a really tough place to be, but I refuse to give up. I just won't, damn it! This song helps me to remember why I keep trying.

Love Is Always Worth The Ache
(Carolyn Dawn Johnson/Tommy Polk)

I'm through playin' it safe
It's time I laid it on the line
I wanna dance out on the edges
And get a little reckless in my mind
Cause even a heart that's locked away
Can find a way to break
I won't hide it now

I'm through makin' that mistake
One fall, that's all
I don't know who it's gonna be
Out there, somewhere
Someone is waitin' just for me
No pain, no gain
There's not a chance that I won't take
'Cause love is always worth the ache
Love's like a Vegas wheel
You've got to spin to win the prize
(you know you got to, you know you got to, you know you got to spin to win the prize)
But it's a gamble worth the takin'
You say a prayer and then you roll the dice

(you say a prayer and, you say a prayer and, you say a prayer and, and you roll the dice)
Well they say it's hard to beat the odds
I say it's harder not to try
I will play the game
Do what it takes to get it right
One fall, that's all
I don't know who it's gonna be
Out there, somewhere
Someone is waiting just for me
No pain, no gain
There's not a chance that I won't take
'Cause love is always worth the ache
Well they say it's better to have loved and lost
Then to have never loved at all
Ah yeah yeah yeah
One fall, that's all
I don't know who it's gonna be
Out there, somewhere
Someone is waiting just for me
No pain, no gain
There's not a chance that I won't take
'Cause love is always worth the ache
(It's always, it's always, it's always)
Yeah it's always worth the ache
(It's always, it's always, it's always)
Oh love is worth the ache
(It's always, it's always, it's always)
Yeah love is always worth the ache
(It's always, it's always, it's always)
Yeah
You know there's not a chance I won't take
'Cause love is always worth the ache

FEAR!

I hate this fear that plagues me. I go on even though it is a monkey on my back. I have a date tomorrow night. A first date with a man with whom I really want things to work out. We both want them to work out. But we haven't actually met yet. But we really like talking with each other.

Scary, scary, scary.... but exciting, exciting, exciting. I act even though I fear. I recently read a quote in a memoir called A Piece Of Cake about an acronym for fear. (By the way, I highly recommend this book!)

FEAR can either mean F@#K Everything And Run or it can mean Feel Everything And Recover. Works for me!

13 Days

Wish I had something profound to say, but I don't. I miss blogging, but I just haven't had the mental energy to write. Maybe that's when I need to write the most. Seems as if I am avoiding thinking too much. There's just too much going on and too many changes.

I like change, as a rule. I usually do pretty well with it. I'm very used to it. It's been my pattern... my history... my mantra.

I hate my new school, but I'm sure God has something there for me learn. Otherwise I wouldn't be there. I have already learned more about gang life and poverty and depression and sorrow and wasted minds.

I've witnessed a stepfather and stepson get into a fist fight in front of the school resulting in the stepfather being placed in handcuffs in front of the buses as they were ready to load up for the ride home. I've learned that this fight did not even faze the students. It was as if it were an everyday occurrence in their lives. Unfortunately, it probably is. I've learned from my Department Chair (a black, single mother of 2 with a master's degree in Education) that in "their" culture that's how males act. It's discipline-not abuse.

I've learned how to spot and decode gang communication.

I've learned from a student that he intended to slash my tires.

I've learned from a co-worker that if I'm to be respected, I have to convince my students to look at me and say "Damn, 'dat white bitch's CRAZY!" I've learned that it would also probably help if I "messed up my hair a 'lil bit and made my face get all red like you white people do."

I've learned that the administration has not a single clue how to run the school.

I've learned how to stand my ground when a very large teenage man/boy towers above me in an effort to intimidate me.

I've learned that 90 minutes is a HELL of a LONG time to be with one group of kids.

I've learned that even though I'm team-teaching, the burden of classroom management falls on my shoulders.

I've learned (well actually I knew this already) that not everyone likes me.

I've learned what it's like to be judged by my skin color.

I've learned what it's like to be hugged out of the blue by a student on her way home for the weekend.

Tomorrow begins day 14.

Moving Day Eve

Well, here it is the eve of my move to the ATL. Leaving most everything as it is in my condo and renting stuff there. I'm excited.

Back to the big city

Well, Single in Suburbia is leaving suburbia for a while. 10 months to be exact. I'm headed back to the big ATL to teach for the year. It'll be interesting to see what God and life throw my way. I'm excited and nervous and sad all at the same time. The sadness comes from knowing that I won't see my two nieces every day. But, as my mother so eloquently put it... "You can't live your life through your nieces." She's right.

Stay tuned for updates...

Body Image

Body image and dating.

The two definitely go hand in hand for me. It's something I'm certainly struggling with right now. I'm not very happy with my body, and it's really hard to think of "putting myself out there" at the weight I am right now.

Brief explanation... my current issue mainly stems from the recent discovery that I have hypothyroidism caused by Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (http://www.4woman.gov/faq/hashimoto.htm). It's an autoimmune disease that attacks my thyroid gland causing it to not produce the proper hormones. This adversely affects my metabolism. It pretty much shuts down and slows to a snail's pace. As a result, I've gained a significant amount of weight and am having a hell of a time getting it off. Nothing I've been successful with in the past has worked this time.

So I've been reading this book called Intuitive Eating (http://www.intuitiveeating.com) which is all about being the "anti-diet." I learned of this book and approach after reading an article about Katharine McPhee, the American Idol runner-up, who battled bulimia and found success through this program. The goal of this approach is to make peace with food. Lord, do I ever need to do that! We have had this extremely volatile relationship all of my life. I've been dieting on and off for 25 years... literally! My mom says that I was in the first grade the first time a doctor said I was overweight for my age. My first "official" diet was in the 6th grade for goodness sake!

It's embarrassing to admit this, but it's true. I've run the gamut from starvation to bulimia and everything in-between. I'm not involved in any of those extreme behaviors now - haven't been in a number of years - and I don't plan on resorting to any of those anymore. I just want to be healthy. But it's really hard to believe that I'll ever look like "me" again.

It's just a scary concept to give up dieting. I'm so afraid that it won't work, and I'll just become obese. But I've tried everything else, so why not this. It's certainly a leap of faith. Because I'm supposed to eat what I want when I want it and to stop when I feel full. The theory is that eventually I'll learn to re-recognize the feelings of real hunger and real satiety or fullness. There's a lot more to it than that and I'm over-simplifying it for this blog, but that's the gist of it. I'm still reading the book, so I don't have a good understanding of all of the intricacies yet to explain them.

So what does that have to do with dating? Well, for me it's a big deal. I just don't feel very attractive, so it affects my confidence level. I don't feel like I'm able to put my best foot forward. Ok, so this might sound nuts, but I feel a bit like I don't deserve to date looking like this. I mean, who wants to date a fatso? I just look in the mirror and don't recognize the girl staring back at me. I look like someone else, not myself.

But I also am trying to accept myself for who I am and what I look like today. I'm going to the gym and trying not to become totally paralyzed by this, but it's really tough.

Happiness and Peace

I just got finished looking at pictures from one of my best and oldest friend's sister's wedding. Although she's a few years younger than we are, Laine looked and hoped and dreamed much like I have for a very long time. Laine is a doctor, and she married a high school principal. She looks so happy and at peace in these photos. And guess where she met him????? Match.com.

Ok... so that's the third person I know (one being my very best friend and college roommate) who is happily married to someone she met on match.com. Now I've been on and off of that site for close to 5 years. I honestly had just decided to give up on it, but this has given me new hope.

But I'm going to do something different this time. I'm going to let my closest friends write my profile for me. I've been told for years that I have a great profile... very descriptive and well-written. But it's gotta go. I need something fresh... a fresh start. Maybe I haven't been realistic in how I've described myself and who I want. I'm certainly open to changing some things up. Besides the profile has been practically the same for 5 years.

So to all who know me well, I welcome your input.

Change

Change.

It's inevitable as we all know. It's exciting and terrifying at the same time. Comfortable yet uncomfortable, too. Familiar but not always welcome. Needed for growth, yet painful at the same time. Guess that's where the term "growing pains" came from.

Uncertainty.

Amazing and revealing. I believe how we handle it says a lot about who we are. So how am I handling it?

Am I pushing for it? A little.

Am I resisting it? Some.

Do I want a resolution? Yes, I think so.

When you wish upon a star...

It's late. Everyone has gone to bed, and I can't sleep. It's been a while since I've written an entry, and I thought now may be a good time.

I'm in Disney World with my family, and I feel totally and completely blessed and at peace. This trip was my father's idea. It was my mom's Christmas, birthday and anniversary present rolled into one. I'm sure she received gifts for each occasion, but this was the "big gift." You see, the whole family is here... Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister-in-law, 3-year-old niece, 9-month-old niece, and me. I've been to Disney a number of times before, as has everyone else in my family except for my nieces. But what could be a better gift for my mom than to get to experience her first grandchild's first experience at Disney World?! And what better gift for her 35-year-old aunt?!

Honestly though, I'm not sure who's having more fun, C (the 3-year-old) or my brother (the soon-to-be 38-year-old.... on June 1st). Today we had breakfast with Winnie the Pooh, Piglet, Eyeore, and Tigger. You should have seen C's face. She was SO excited to meet, hug and have her picture taken w/ them. And my brother, her dad, was beside himself. He had a smile from ear to ear watching her meet them. It melted my heart. She also met Mickey, Goofy, and Chip and Dale today, too.

And today was only the first full day here! We're here thru Sunday! We are staying in an awesome 2500 sq ft 3 bdrm/3 bath villa right on the Board Walk in Epcot. There are balconies all across the back and out of each room right above the board walk and overlooking the lake. It's truly magnificent.

http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/wdw/resorts/resortLanding?id=BoardWalkVillasResortLandingPage

C asked if she could sleep in the room with her Aunt L, which of course I LOVED hearing. As I listened to her say her prayers tonight, my eyes started to well up with tears. She thanked God for everything she got to do today. And she has the sweetest little voice. To hear her say the whole Lord's Prayer by heart and then the Hail Mary, is just too much. How did I get so lucky??

If I died tonight, I'd be a happy woman.

Getting What I Want

Hmmm.... why is it that when I get what I want I'm not satisfied?

On My Last Nerve!

Fireman is getting on my last nerve. You see, he's on vacation right now which is awesome for him. He gets 5 shifts off, and given the fact that he works at the fire department every 3rd day, that equates to a whopping 15 days off.

Here's the major problem...

I don't know if you know what a teacher's life is like at the end of the school year, but let me tell you, it's INSANE! School ends in less than 3 weeks. Then there's the fact that the 3 graduate classes I've been taking this semester were ending this week, and you can probably imagine that my life is pretty much hellacious right now. I've been pulling my hair out.

The thing is that it's more than just this situation. This situation just magnifies an already obvious challenge. Fireman has never had a life as busy as mine - ever. So it's really hard for him to relate to what I'm going through. He never has that much stress in his life. His work stress comes in spurts... like when they get a call. And I can't imagine how much adrenaline must start flowing then. But he doesn't have on-going stress, and I do. I always have.

Our lives have just been sooooo different. He's trying to be understanding, but he just doesn't have that much going on in his life except me. When he's not working, he wants us to be together. Like ALL THE TIME! EVERY FREE SECOND! On the phone and in person. And we don't even live in the same state! That's really sweet, but OMG it's getting on my nerves. He really is trying though, so I feel guilty saying he gets on my nerves, ya know? He's just so much needier than anyone I've ever dated. I'm the one who has always been the needy one in a relationship, so this is so strange to me. Completely unchartered territory. One of my best friends told me that he was just "the girl" in the relationship and to just accept that. But (* insert whiny voice here) I WANT TO BE THE GIRL!

I just wonder if the territory is too rugged a terrain for us to cross.

Do you ever...

Do you ever just feel like you need a break? A break from everyone and everything? Cause right about now that's EXACTLY how I feel.

Feeling Old

You know it's really weird. For years, all I've heard is, "You're so young. You have PLENTY of time to settle down." But somehow I've now turned into an Old Maid by Fireman's family's standards. Don't get me wrong, they love me. They are really nice, and we get along great. But none of them can believe that I'm 35 (will be 36 in September) and have never been married nor engaged. Like I'm some sort of anomaly or something. Like an alien being that they don't really know what to do with. It's so strange. It's just that my life (which by many people's standards has not been all that exciting or adventurous) seems so cosmopolitan to them. So foreign to them. And not just to them. It's really foreign to Fireman, too. I've never felt like I've had to explain myself and my life choices before, but suddenly it seems as if I do. And it's not like they or he sit and grill me or anything. It's just very obvious that I've lived a much different life.

Hell, maybe I AM old. And there are always the not-so-subtle comments made by my nurse sister-in-law about how much risk there is involved in having children after age 35. And then she always catches herself and makes some sort of disclaimer, but it's out there nonetheless.

And I'm just so tired right now that I feel about 100! Just put me out to pasture. Stick a fork in me cause I'm done!

Here Lately

It's been too long since I've blogged, and I really miss it. My life has been in overdrive mode leaving me with no time to spend just reflecting. I HATE that.

The school year is almost over which means cramming in 7 more IEP's, finalizing grades, and being sure all of my classes finish the novels they have been reading. It also means that final assignments/projects are due in each of my three graduate classes.

But I have come to a major decision. I will teach in Mississippi for the next school year in order to finally become fully certified to teach. This has been the most convoluted journey ever - don't even ask! A journey full of obstacles that have made me want to lose my religion! Even though my pay will decrease by nearly $5000.00 next year because MS doesn't pay as high as LA, it is still worth it if I am fully certified at the end of the year. Why doesn't Louisiana have more than one or two options for alternative certification? I know that Georgia and Mississippi do. But not Louisiana. Another thing to put our illustrious state last in line for.

I do plan to teach in LA again the following year, but I need to do this to end what will by next year be a 6-year endeavor. OMG... that's 2 years longer than it took me to earn my undergraduate degree!

I'm not going to know what to do with myself when all I have to do is teach. Not teach and do cheerleading, or teach and go to school at night, or teach and do cheerleading AND go to school at night. Just teach. Ahhhh.... the thought is so enchanting. I could get lost in that daydream.

Another thing that's been going on is my relationship with the fireman. It's still happening. I honestly don't have my head fully wrapped around it yet. Maybe that's another reason why I haven't blogged about it. I just don't know what to say. I also don't know that I want to open it up to criticism and comments. I may just want to keep it for myself for a while.

Thoughts

Haven't blogged in a while and don't really have time to right now, but here is what's on my mind.

1. Love is not simple.
2. I'm not perfect and neither is he.
3. It's amazing how unclear I can be even when I think I'm being clear.
4. I'm very set in my ways and so is he.
5. I have very little patience.
6. Men can be big babies.
7. Fire fighters have a LOT of time on their hands.
8. I have a very busy life.
9. It's weird to have my sister-in-law so supportive of this guy.
10. Words can't express how OVER school I am right now.

Journey

I've waited.

I've prayed.

I've cried.

I've begged.

I've laughed.

I've run.

I've pleaded.

I've crawled.

I've lied.

I've compromised.

I've justified.

I've climbed.

I've searched.

I've discovered.

I've found... love.

Old and New Realizations

Do I have a fear of commitment? I think I do. And that scares the hell out of me. Even on the most basic level such as committing to dinner too far in advance. It makes me feel boxed in and claustrophobic.

That's not good, and I'm certainly not proud of it.

But the funny thing is, that as far as relationships go, I have committed myself before... or have at least been willing to. It seems as if the major anxiety and claustrophobic feeling comes before I decide whether or not to go with it. Once I do, I'm all there.

But I truly believe there is something to this fear that if I could only address it and deal with it, then I could get past it. I believe it may be keeping me from getting what I want... a good, healthy, productive marriage and family.

I believe that I am afraid of responsibility. That it is at the root of this fear, too. It's much easier NOT to be responsible when you don't have to be. Sure, I can be responsible for some things like my job, etc. But I'm talking about big things. Like my life.

I also believe that I don't trust myself. This is certainly a recurring theme for me in my life. I don't trust my ability to make good decisions. It doesn't matter that I have made decent decisions in my life because I tell myself that I've pretty much always sought the counsel of my parents before doing so.

What in the world will I do when they are gone? That scares the hell out of me, too. I truly believe at my core that my mom and dad are the only two people who I can count on NOT to let me down.

I know that's not healthy, and I know that it's not conducive to building a healthy relationship.

I have a LOT more work to do on myself, but the realizations in this blog help point me in the right direction.

You CAN teach an old dog new tricks.

The "old dog" I'm referring to is me.

I had the BEST TIME Saturday with the Fireman! I traveled to visit him this time, and he had a great day planned. We were just going to do the things he does all the time, but I've never done in my life.

Here are my new tricks:

1. We fished (but didn't catch anything). After a few false starts at casting, I got the hang of it.
2. Rode a 4-wheeler throughout his family's 80+ acres. I tried to drive but found I'm a much better passenger.
3. I climbed a deer stand. My choice, not his.
4. And last, but certainly not least, I was kissed in a trailer! Ok... I could totally live w/o that last part... the trailer, that is. The kissing was great!

I also met his dad. And I swear after listening to the two of them talk, I could maybe make out every 3rd word! It was like they were speaking another language. But it's all fair because he said I talk so fast that he can hardly make out what I'm saying, too.

We talked about how we come from two totally different worlds, but it's ok. I have a lot to learn from him and he from me. He even told me to correct him when he says something incorrectly. Of course, I told him to be careful what you wish for... that he may of unleashed the devil! :-)

So we had grammar lesson number one yesterday - want is spelled with an a and not an o. Lesson number 2 will either be were is spelled with an e and not an a or the whole thank/think thing. Not sure yet.

Gotta go right now!

It's times like these that make me re-think my decision to work in (as Neal Boortz so aptly calls it) a government school.

So I get to school today to find an email telling me that "The restrooms are NOT operating today due to low water pressure. If you, or one of your students, has an emergency come to the front office. All bathrooms must remain locked until further notice. Maintenance is here working on the problem."

What?!?!?!? Are you kidding?!?!?!?! Isn't that illegal?!!!!?!?!?!

What are our tax dollars paying for?