I am beautiful and broken.
I wonder what the world really sees.
I hear clocks ticking.
I see a future laid before me.
I want to be heard.
I am beautiful and broken.
I pretend to be whole.
I feel inadequate at times.
I touch the ragged scars.
I worry about never being satisfied.
I cry over lost innocence.
I am beautiful and broken.
I understand that I have worth.
I say let others hear your voice.
I dream of one day becoming a mother.
I try to let others see my fragility.
I hope it is appreciated.
I am beautiful and broken.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Say What You Need To Say
My American Lit students are studying Transcendentalism, and while I can't take credit for creating this assignment, it was a good one. When the students (11th graders) walked into class, they were asked to respond the following quick write:
"So, I would say, you've got a part. What's your part? Who you are. You are who, who you are." -Pearl Jam
In your own words, what does this mean? How would you answer the question: Who are you? Explain. What is another song that also has transcendental ideas? Explain.
My fellow teacher and I decided to complete this, too, and share it with them. I sat down at a student desk for 5 minutes and wrote. Here is what I said.
We each are put on this earth for a reason and a part to play. No one else has the exact unique qualities we do, so we owe to the world to bring it out and show it.
I am a seeker, a helper, an aunt, a daughter, a sister, a teacher, a friend. I am a survivor and an overcomer. I am honest and good and an example of healthy brokenness put back together and stronger because of it.
The song that popped into my head as I was writing this was Say by John Mayer. The lyrics that jumped out to me are "Even if your hands are shaking and your faith is broken, even as the eyes are closing. Do it with a heart wide open. Say what you need to say."
The world needs to hear my voice.
"So, I would say, you've got a part. What's your part? Who you are. You are who, who you are." -Pearl Jam
In your own words, what does this mean? How would you answer the question: Who are you? Explain. What is another song that also has transcendental ideas? Explain.
My fellow teacher and I decided to complete this, too, and share it with them. I sat down at a student desk for 5 minutes and wrote. Here is what I said.
We each are put on this earth for a reason and a part to play. No one else has the exact unique qualities we do, so we owe to the world to bring it out and show it.
I am a seeker, a helper, an aunt, a daughter, a sister, a teacher, a friend. I am a survivor and an overcomer. I am honest and good and an example of healthy brokenness put back together and stronger because of it.
The song that popped into my head as I was writing this was Say by John Mayer. The lyrics that jumped out to me are "Even if your hands are shaking and your faith is broken, even as the eyes are closing. Do it with a heart wide open. Say what you need to say."
The world needs to hear my voice.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010
So we asked our 9th graders to do a freewrite on the following topic: Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010. Basically, we asked them to identify what they would and would not miss about 2009 and what they are looking forward to in 2010. In an effort to model the assignment, I decided to complete this assignment with them.
Here is the result in the exact, stream-of-consciousness way in which it was written:
I will not miss my mom and dad worrying about money. I will not miss Andy. I will not miss being fat and eating unhealthy. I will not miss running, but I want to incorporate it a little into 2010. I used to enjoy it, but it became a chore for me. I want to say hello to the newer, confident me. I want to say goodbye to the painful pains of the past. Goodbye to my self-doubt and insecurity - well I guess I will always have some level of doubt, but I won't "live there." I will say goodbye to my 30's and hello to my 40's. WOW-what a big year for me! It's huge actually. I have the power to do and be anything and ALL that I want to be. I can/WILL have a healthy body that I am proud of. I will be confident to show it off. I will explore it as an adult. I will forever stop limiting myself and my goals. I will go for the big goal. I will be in a bikini!!! Wow! That's scary to say that. How vulnerable I will be - But I will be strong and fit and capable. I will eat to live and not live to eat. I will allow myself to enjoy food and not use it. Not use it to hide from the world. I will not secret it away. I will eat it and be clean on the inside. I will treat my body with the respect it deserves - with the utmost respect. I will pose for photographs and be proud of what I see. I will look and feel healthy. I will take care of my mind and guard my time. I will be willing to share myself only with those who are trustworthy. I will commit to keep attending CoDA with renewed vigor. I will love myself and enjoy my own company. I will risk being known and be proud to stand on who I am - stand on that platform and be proud of what I accomplished. I will renew myself regularly with new challenges. I will trust my body and my trainer. I will be wise with how I spend my money. I will no longer stuff myself with greasy, unhealthy, non-nutritional value meals. I deserve better. I will live purer and cleaner. My health and skin and body will reflect the love and respect I have for it. I will rediscover the me who has been dying to be trusted to come out - to emerge. I will love her. I will care for her. I will help her . I will respect her. I will keep her safe in HEALTHY ways that are productive and conducive to sharing my life with the world and those closest to me. I am proud of who I have become. I am proud of who I am becoming. I will trust and love my kids (students), and I will let them see the love and value I have in them - that I see in them. My worth will show their worth. I will be proud of the me that I present and show and share with the world. No more secret Lauren.
Here is the result in the exact, stream-of-consciousness way in which it was written:
I will not miss my mom and dad worrying about money. I will not miss Andy. I will not miss being fat and eating unhealthy. I will not miss running, but I want to incorporate it a little into 2010. I used to enjoy it, but it became a chore for me. I want to say hello to the newer, confident me. I want to say goodbye to the painful pains of the past. Goodbye to my self-doubt and insecurity - well I guess I will always have some level of doubt, but I won't "live there." I will say goodbye to my 30's and hello to my 40's. WOW-what a big year for me! It's huge actually. I have the power to do and be anything and ALL that I want to be. I can/WILL have a healthy body that I am proud of. I will be confident to show it off. I will explore it as an adult. I will forever stop limiting myself and my goals. I will go for the big goal. I will be in a bikini!!! Wow! That's scary to say that. How vulnerable I will be - But I will be strong and fit and capable. I will eat to live and not live to eat. I will allow myself to enjoy food and not use it. Not use it to hide from the world. I will not secret it away. I will eat it and be clean on the inside. I will treat my body with the respect it deserves - with the utmost respect. I will pose for photographs and be proud of what I see. I will look and feel healthy. I will take care of my mind and guard my time. I will be willing to share myself only with those who are trustworthy. I will commit to keep attending CoDA with renewed vigor. I will love myself and enjoy my own company. I will risk being known and be proud to stand on who I am - stand on that platform and be proud of what I accomplished. I will renew myself regularly with new challenges. I will trust my body and my trainer. I will be wise with how I spend my money. I will no longer stuff myself with greasy, unhealthy, non-nutritional value meals. I deserve better. I will live purer and cleaner. My health and skin and body will reflect the love and respect I have for it. I will rediscover the me who has been dying to be trusted to come out - to emerge. I will love her. I will care for her. I will help her . I will respect her. I will keep her safe in HEALTHY ways that are productive and conducive to sharing my life with the world and those closest to me. I am proud of who I have become. I am proud of who I am becoming. I will trust and love my kids (students), and I will let them see the love and value I have in them - that I see in them. My worth will show their worth. I will be proud of the me that I present and show and share with the world. No more secret Lauren.
Friday, May 08, 2009
jealousy
I am always surprised that I feel weird inside when I see pictures of ex-boyfriends happily married.... even when I wasn't happy with them and didn't want to be married to them. I don't like to feel jealous. Who knows what goes on inside their lives and marriages... I'm sure it's not all smiles, but looking from the outside in, it sure looks that way. Yuck.
the dam
I want to cry. I want to feel. There is a dam holding back a lifetime of feelings that needs to be unplugged; uncorked. It burns in the center of my chest. Aches to be set free. But I can't access it. If I do, will I ever be able to stop the pain from flowing out of me?
Love
Love
Do I even want it anymore?
It used to be all I ever thought about.
Now I'm afraid of it. Afraid of what it did to me. Afraid to need it. Afraid to want it again. It's much safer not to want it.
One day I may be ready again. But not now. Not yet.
Do I even want it anymore?
It used to be all I ever thought about.
Now I'm afraid of it. Afraid of what it did to me. Afraid to need it. Afraid to want it again. It's much safer not to want it.
One day I may be ready again. But not now. Not yet.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Am I Marriable? Is he?
While perusing a Christian bookstore, those two questions jumped out at me from the cover of a book. It's called Marriable: taking the desperate out of dating by newlyweds Hayley and Michael DiMarco. Given the present relationship state (or lack thereof) I'm in, I had to check it out further. On the back it listed some of the chapter titles which are:
- How Being "Just Friends" Is a Waste of Time
- Desperate Lies Women Tell Themselves
- Men Lie to Get What They Want
- Nice Guys Really Do Finish Last
- Don't Marry Your Best Friend Unless You're Gay
You KNOW I had to get it!
So far I've found it to really be "on the mark." It's written in a light and witty way and, for me, the proverbial light bulb has gone off quite a few times... definite "a-ha" moments.
You can check out their website for more information at www.marriable.com. Let me know what you think!
Monday, January 01, 2007
2007
I rang in 2006 last year with great anticipation that it would be "the year." The year when I met HIM. Well, as far as I know, I haven't.
But that's ok.
2006 was a really good year with a lot of personal and professional changes. I'm starting 2007 with a new job, a new home, a new financial situation, and a new attitude.
My focus for 2007 is my spiritual health.
My hope is that in my journey to understand my spirituality better, I will gain balance and a sense of peace. I know not what the future holds, but knowing myself better can only equip me to better handle any challenges that come.
But that's ok.
2006 was a really good year with a lot of personal and professional changes. I'm starting 2007 with a new job, a new home, a new financial situation, and a new attitude.
My focus for 2007 is my spiritual health.
My hope is that in my journey to understand my spirituality better, I will gain balance and a sense of peace. I know not what the future holds, but knowing myself better can only equip me to better handle any challenges that come.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
She's Somebody's Hero
Well, she's actually more than just my hero. She's my father's, niece's, my sister-in-law's, my brother's, her friends, her church, her community.... and many, many more. She was her mother's hero, too, until she passed. She's an amazing and selfless and giving and caring and loving person who runs herself into the ground to insure that those she loves have what they need.
She's always done this. From little notes of encouragement in my school lunches as I was growing up to helping me bury my beloved cat Sally to single-handedly packing my entire 3 bd/2.5 ba condo by herself since I live another state. I'm in awe of her strength and endurance.
This song reminds me of her.... my dear, sweet Mama.
She's always done this. From little notes of encouragement in my school lunches as I was growing up to helping me bury my beloved cat Sally to single-handedly packing my entire 3 bd/2.5 ba condo by herself since I live another state. I'm in awe of her strength and endurance.
This song reminds me of her.... my dear, sweet Mama.
Artist/Band: Jamie O Neal
Lyrics for Song: Somebody's Hero
Lyrics for Album: Brave
She's never pulled anyone from a burning building
She's never rocked Central Park to a half a million fans, screaming out her name
She's never hit a shot to win the game
(actually my mom did! Senior USTA National Champ97)
She's never left her footprints on the moon
She's never made a solo hot air balloon ride, around the world,
No, she's just your everyday average girl (but)
She's somebody's hero
A hero to her baby with a skinned up knee
A little kiss is all she needs
The keeper of the cheerios (for C and M)
The voice that brings Snow White to life
Bedtime stories every night
And that smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero
She didn't get a check every week like a nine-to fiver
But she's been a waiter, and a cook and a taxi driver
For twenty years, there at home, until the day her girl was grown
Giving all her love to her was her life's ambition
But now her baby's movin' on, and she'll soon be missin' her
But not today, those are tears of joy runnin' down her face
She's somebody's hero
A hero to her daughter in her wedding dress (we wish!)
She gave her wings to leave the nest
It hurts to let her baby go down the aisle she walks right by
Looks back into her mother's eyes
And that smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero
Thirty years have flown right past
Her daughters' starin' at all the photographs
Of her mother, and she wishes she could be like that
Oh, but she already is
She's somebody's hero
A hero to her mother in a rockin' chair
She runs a brush through her silver hair
The envy of the nursing home
She drops by every afternoon
Feeds her mama with a spoon
And that smile lets her know
Her mother's smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
How Far?
I'm listening to iTunes on my laptop right now and this song is playing. It really represents how I've felt so many times in my relationships. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) I'm still walking, choosing not to go back, and they still don't understand.
Artist: Martina Mcbride
Song: How Far
There's a boat, I could sail away
There's the sky, I could catch a plane
There's a train, there's the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back
Oh never come back
There you are, giving up the fight
Here I am begging you to try
Talk to me, let me in
But you just put your wall back up again
Oh when's it gonna end
[Chorus:]
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far
There's a chance I could change my mind
But I won't, not till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave
Oh, what's it gonna be
[Chorus]
Out of this chair, or just across the room
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say
Yeah I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far
Artist: Martina Mcbride
Song: How Far
There's a boat, I could sail away
There's the sky, I could catch a plane
There's a train, there's the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back
Oh never come back
There you are, giving up the fight
Here I am begging you to try
Talk to me, let me in
But you just put your wall back up again
Oh when's it gonna end
[Chorus:]
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far
There's a chance I could change my mind
But I won't, not till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave
Oh, what's it gonna be
[Chorus]
Out of this chair, or just across the room
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say
Yeah I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
36
Ahhh... 36. I have a good life. I'm not where I thought I'd be at 36, but I can't say that my life isn't good. I'm lucky.... no, I'm blessed... that's more accurate.
I'm blessed to be alive.
I'm blessed to have the means to live and experience life on my own terms.
I'm blessed that my parents are still alive.
I'm blessed to have parents who love and support me in any and every way I can possibly imagine.
I'm blessed with friends who care about me.
I'm blessed with talent.
I'm blessed with two beautiful and special nieces who make my insides quiver with delight just because they exist.
I'm blessed to have a relationship with God.
I'm blessed with a sweet and special cat.
I'm blessed with determination.
I'm blessed to have people think enough of me to entrust me as their child's Godmother.
I'm blessed to have a wonderful extended family.
I'm blessed with opportunities and choices.
I'm blessed with a mind that never stops.
I'm blessed with the ability to be empathetic.
I'm blessed with compassion.
I'm blessed with experience.
I'm blessed with a hopeful spirit.
I'm blessed with the ability to see the bigger picture of life.
I'm blessed with regret.
I'm blessed to have ex-boyfriends still care about me.
I'm blessed with desire.
I'm blessed with a quick wit.
I'm blessed with a pretty face.
I'm blessed with a body frame that allows me to carry extra weight.
I'm blessed with good sight.
I'm blessed with a good memory.
I'm blessed with a never-ending thirst for knowledge.
I'm blessed to be alive.
I'm blessed to have the means to live and experience life on my own terms.
I'm blessed that my parents are still alive.
I'm blessed to have parents who love and support me in any and every way I can possibly imagine.
I'm blessed with friends who care about me.
I'm blessed with talent.
I'm blessed with two beautiful and special nieces who make my insides quiver with delight just because they exist.
I'm blessed to have a relationship with God.
I'm blessed with a sweet and special cat.
I'm blessed with determination.
I'm blessed to have people think enough of me to entrust me as their child's Godmother.
I'm blessed to have a wonderful extended family.
I'm blessed with opportunities and choices.
I'm blessed with a mind that never stops.
I'm blessed with the ability to be empathetic.
I'm blessed with compassion.
I'm blessed with experience.
I'm blessed with a hopeful spirit.
I'm blessed with the ability to see the bigger picture of life.
I'm blessed with regret.
I'm blessed to have ex-boyfriends still care about me.
I'm blessed with desire.
I'm blessed with a quick wit.
I'm blessed with a pretty face.
I'm blessed with a body frame that allows me to carry extra weight.
I'm blessed with good sight.
I'm blessed with a good memory.
I'm blessed with a never-ending thirst for knowledge.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Love Is Always Worth The Ache
Every time I allow myself to feel, I am risking my heart getting trampled on. It's a really tough place to be, but I refuse to give up. I just won't, damn it! This song helps me to remember why I keep trying.
Love Is Always Worth The Ache
(Carolyn Dawn Johnson/Tommy Polk)
I'm through playin' it safe
It's time I laid it on the line
I wanna dance out on the edges
And get a little reckless in my mind
Cause even a heart that's locked away
Can find a way to break
I won't hide it now
Love Is Always Worth The Ache
(Carolyn Dawn Johnson/Tommy Polk)
I'm through playin' it safe
It's time I laid it on the line
I wanna dance out on the edges
And get a little reckless in my mind
Cause even a heart that's locked away
Can find a way to break
I won't hide it now
I'm through makin' that mistake
One fall, that's all
I don't know who it's gonna be
Out there, somewhere
Someone is waitin' just for me
No pain, no gain
There's not a chance that I won't take
'Cause love is always worth the ache
Love's like a Vegas wheel
You've got to spin to win the prize
(you know you got to, you know you got to, you know you got to spin to win the prize)
But it's a gamble worth the takin'
You say a prayer and then you roll the dice
One fall, that's all
I don't know who it's gonna be
Out there, somewhere
Someone is waitin' just for me
No pain, no gain
There's not a chance that I won't take
'Cause love is always worth the ache
Love's like a Vegas wheel
You've got to spin to win the prize
(you know you got to, you know you got to, you know you got to spin to win the prize)
But it's a gamble worth the takin'
You say a prayer and then you roll the dice
(you say a prayer and, you say a prayer and, you say a prayer and, and you roll the dice)
Well they say it's hard to beat the odds
I say it's harder not to try
I will play the game
Do what it takes to get it right
One fall, that's all
I don't know who it's gonna be
Out there, somewhere
Someone is waiting just for me
No pain, no gain
There's not a chance that I won't take
'Cause love is always worth the ache
Well they say it's better to have loved and lost
Then to have never loved at all
Ah yeah yeah yeah
One fall, that's all
I don't know who it's gonna be
Out there, somewhere
Someone is waiting just for me
No pain, no gain
There's not a chance that I won't take
'Cause love is always worth the ache
(It's always, it's always, it's always)
Yeah it's always worth the ache
(It's always, it's always, it's always)
Oh love is worth the ache
(It's always, it's always, it's always)
Yeah love is always worth the ache
(It's always, it's always, it's always)
Yeah
You know there's not a chance I won't take
'Cause love is always worth the ache
Well they say it's hard to beat the odds
I say it's harder not to try
I will play the game
Do what it takes to get it right
One fall, that's all
I don't know who it's gonna be
Out there, somewhere
Someone is waiting just for me
No pain, no gain
There's not a chance that I won't take
'Cause love is always worth the ache
Well they say it's better to have loved and lost
Then to have never loved at all
Ah yeah yeah yeah
One fall, that's all
I don't know who it's gonna be
Out there, somewhere
Someone is waiting just for me
No pain, no gain
There's not a chance that I won't take
'Cause love is always worth the ache
(It's always, it's always, it's always)
Yeah it's always worth the ache
(It's always, it's always, it's always)
Oh love is worth the ache
(It's always, it's always, it's always)
Yeah love is always worth the ache
(It's always, it's always, it's always)
Yeah
You know there's not a chance I won't take
'Cause love is always worth the ache
Friday, September 08, 2006
FEAR!
I hate this fear that plagues me. I go on even though it is a monkey on my back. I have a date tomorrow night. A first date with a man with whom I really want things to work out. We both want them to work out. But we haven't actually met yet. But we really like talking with each other.
Scary, scary, scary.... but exciting, exciting, exciting. I act even though I fear. I recently read a quote in a memoir called A Piece Of Cake about an acronym for fear. (By the way, I highly recommend this book!)
FEAR can either mean F@#K Everything And Run or it can mean Feel Everything And Recover. Works for me!
Scary, scary, scary.... but exciting, exciting, exciting. I act even though I fear. I recently read a quote in a memoir called A Piece Of Cake about an acronym for fear. (By the way, I highly recommend this book!)
FEAR can either mean F@#K Everything And Run or it can mean Feel Everything And Recover. Works for me!
Monday, September 04, 2006
13 Days
Wish I had something profound to say, but I don't. I miss blogging, but I just haven't had the mental energy to write. Maybe that's when I need to write the most. Seems as if I am avoiding thinking too much. There's just too much going on and too many changes.
I like change, as a rule. I usually do pretty well with it. I'm very used to it. It's been my pattern... my history... my mantra.
I hate my new school, but I'm sure God has something there for me learn. Otherwise I wouldn't be there. I have already learned more about gang life and poverty and depression and sorrow and wasted minds.
I've witnessed a stepfather and stepson get into a fist fight in front of the school resulting in the stepfather being placed in handcuffs in front of the buses as they were ready to load up for the ride home. I've learned that this fight did not even faze the students. It was as if it were an everyday occurrence in their lives. Unfortunately, it probably is. I've learned from my Department Chair (a black, single mother of 2 with a master's degree in Education) that in "their" culture that's how males act. It's discipline-not abuse.
I've learned how to spot and decode gang communication.
I've learned from a student that he intended to slash my tires.
I've learned from a co-worker that if I'm to be respected, I have to convince my students to look at me and say "Damn, 'dat white bitch's CRAZY!" I've learned that it would also probably help if I "messed up my hair a 'lil bit and made my face get all red like you white people do."
I've learned that the administration has not a single clue how to run the school.
I've learned how to stand my ground when a very large teenage man/boy towers above me in an effort to intimidate me.
I've learned that even though I'm team-teaching, the burden of classroom management falls on my shoulders.
I've learned (well actually I knew this already) that not everyone likes me.
I've learned what it's like to be judged by my skin color.
I've learned what it's like to be hugged out of the blue by a student on her way home for the weekend.
Tomorrow begins day 14.
I like change, as a rule. I usually do pretty well with it. I'm very used to it. It's been my pattern... my history... my mantra.
I hate my new school, but I'm sure God has something there for me learn. Otherwise I wouldn't be there. I have already learned more about gang life and poverty and depression and sorrow and wasted minds.
I've witnessed a stepfather and stepson get into a fist fight in front of the school resulting in the stepfather being placed in handcuffs in front of the buses as they were ready to load up for the ride home. I've learned that this fight did not even faze the students. It was as if it were an everyday occurrence in their lives. Unfortunately, it probably is. I've learned from my Department Chair (a black, single mother of 2 with a master's degree in Education) that in "their" culture that's how males act. It's discipline-not abuse.
I've learned how to spot and decode gang communication.
I've learned from a student that he intended to slash my tires.
I've learned from a co-worker that if I'm to be respected, I have to convince my students to look at me and say "Damn, 'dat white bitch's CRAZY!" I've learned that it would also probably help if I "messed up my hair a 'lil bit and made my face get all red like you white people do."
I've learned that the administration has not a single clue how to run the school.
I've learned how to stand my ground when a very large teenage man/boy towers above me in an effort to intimidate me.
I've learned that 90 minutes is a HELL of a LONG time to be with one group of kids.
I've learned that even though I'm team-teaching, the burden of classroom management falls on my shoulders.
I've learned (well actually I knew this already) that not everyone likes me.
I've learned what it's like to be judged by my skin color.
I've learned what it's like to be hugged out of the blue by a student on her way home for the weekend.
Tomorrow begins day 14.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Moving Day Eve
Well, here it is the eve of my move to the ATL. Leaving most everything as it is in my condo and renting stuff there. I'm excited.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Back to the big city
Well, Single in Suburbia is leaving suburbia for a while. 10 months to be exact. I'm headed back to the big ATL to teach for the year. It'll be interesting to see what God and life throw my way. I'm excited and nervous and sad all at the same time. The sadness comes from knowing that I won't see my two nieces every day. But, as my mother so eloquently put it... "You can't live your life through your nieces." She's right.
Stay tuned for updates...
Stay tuned for updates...
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Body Image
Body image and dating.
The two definitely go hand in hand for me. It's something I'm certainly struggling with right now. I'm not very happy with my body, and it's really hard to think of "putting myself out there" at the weight I am right now.
Brief explanation... my current issue mainly stems from the recent discovery that I have hypothyroidism caused by Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (http://www.4woman.gov/faq/hashimoto.htm). It's an autoimmune disease that attacks my thyroid gland causing it to not produce the proper hormones. This adversely affects my metabolism. It pretty much shuts down and slows to a snail's pace. As a result, I've gained a significant amount of weight and am having a hell of a time getting it off. Nothing I've been successful with in the past has worked this time.
So I've been reading this book called Intuitive Eating (http://www.intuitiveeating.com) which is all about being the "anti-diet." I learned of this book and approach after reading an article about Katharine McPhee, the American Idol runner-up, who battled bulimia and found success through this program. The goal of this approach is to make peace with food. Lord, do I ever need to do that! We have had this extremely volatile relationship all of my life. I've been dieting on and off for 25 years... literally! My mom says that I was in the first grade the first time a doctor said I was overweight for my age. My first "official" diet was in the 6th grade for goodness sake!
It's embarrassing to admit this, but it's true. I've run the gamut from starvation to bulimia and everything in-between. I'm not involved in any of those extreme behaviors now - haven't been in a number of years - and I don't plan on resorting to any of those anymore. I just want to be healthy. But it's really hard to believe that I'll ever look like "me" again.
It's just a scary concept to give up dieting. I'm so afraid that it won't work, and I'll just become obese. But I've tried everything else, so why not this. It's certainly a leap of faith. Because I'm supposed to eat what I want when I want it and to stop when I feel full. The theory is that eventually I'll learn to re-recognize the feelings of real hunger and real satiety or fullness. There's a lot more to it than that and I'm over-simplifying it for this blog, but that's the gist of it. I'm still reading the book, so I don't have a good understanding of all of the intricacies yet to explain them.
So what does that have to do with dating? Well, for me it's a big deal. I just don't feel very attractive, so it affects my confidence level. I don't feel like I'm able to put my best foot forward. Ok, so this might sound nuts, but I feel a bit like I don't deserve to date looking like this. I mean, who wants to date a fatso? I just look in the mirror and don't recognize the girl staring back at me. I look like someone else, not myself.
But I also am trying to accept myself for who I am and what I look like today. I'm going to the gym and trying not to become totally paralyzed by this, but it's really tough.
The two definitely go hand in hand for me. It's something I'm certainly struggling with right now. I'm not very happy with my body, and it's really hard to think of "putting myself out there" at the weight I am right now.
Brief explanation... my current issue mainly stems from the recent discovery that I have hypothyroidism caused by Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (http://www.4woman.gov/faq/hashimoto.htm). It's an autoimmune disease that attacks my thyroid gland causing it to not produce the proper hormones. This adversely affects my metabolism. It pretty much shuts down and slows to a snail's pace. As a result, I've gained a significant amount of weight and am having a hell of a time getting it off. Nothing I've been successful with in the past has worked this time.
So I've been reading this book called Intuitive Eating (http://www.intuitiveeating.com) which is all about being the "anti-diet." I learned of this book and approach after reading an article about Katharine McPhee, the American Idol runner-up, who battled bulimia and found success through this program. The goal of this approach is to make peace with food. Lord, do I ever need to do that! We have had this extremely volatile relationship all of my life. I've been dieting on and off for 25 years... literally! My mom says that I was in the first grade the first time a doctor said I was overweight for my age. My first "official" diet was in the 6th grade for goodness sake!
It's embarrassing to admit this, but it's true. I've run the gamut from starvation to bulimia and everything in-between. I'm not involved in any of those extreme behaviors now - haven't been in a number of years - and I don't plan on resorting to any of those anymore. I just want to be healthy. But it's really hard to believe that I'll ever look like "me" again.
It's just a scary concept to give up dieting. I'm so afraid that it won't work, and I'll just become obese. But I've tried everything else, so why not this. It's certainly a leap of faith. Because I'm supposed to eat what I want when I want it and to stop when I feel full. The theory is that eventually I'll learn to re-recognize the feelings of real hunger and real satiety or fullness. There's a lot more to it than that and I'm over-simplifying it for this blog, but that's the gist of it. I'm still reading the book, so I don't have a good understanding of all of the intricacies yet to explain them.
So what does that have to do with dating? Well, for me it's a big deal. I just don't feel very attractive, so it affects my confidence level. I don't feel like I'm able to put my best foot forward. Ok, so this might sound nuts, but I feel a bit like I don't deserve to date looking like this. I mean, who wants to date a fatso? I just look in the mirror and don't recognize the girl staring back at me. I look like someone else, not myself.
But I also am trying to accept myself for who I am and what I look like today. I'm going to the gym and trying not to become totally paralyzed by this, but it's really tough.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Happiness and Peace
I just got finished looking at pictures from one of my best and oldest friend's sister's wedding. Although she's a few years younger than we are, Laine looked and hoped and dreamed much like I have for a very long time. Laine is a doctor, and she married a high school principal. She looks so happy and at peace in these photos. And guess where she met him????? Match.com.
Ok... so that's the third person I know (one being my very best friend and college roommate) who is happily married to someone she met on match.com. Now I've been on and off of that site for close to 5 years. I honestly had just decided to give up on it, but this has given me new hope.
But I'm going to do something different this time. I'm going to let my closest friends write my profile for me. I've been told for years that I have a great profile... very descriptive and well-written. But it's gotta go. I need something fresh... a fresh start. Maybe I haven't been realistic in how I've described myself and who I want. I'm certainly open to changing some things up. Besides the profile has been practically the same for 5 years.
So to all who know me well, I welcome your input.
Ok... so that's the third person I know (one being my very best friend and college roommate) who is happily married to someone she met on match.com. Now I've been on and off of that site for close to 5 years. I honestly had just decided to give up on it, but this has given me new hope.
But I'm going to do something different this time. I'm going to let my closest friends write my profile for me. I've been told for years that I have a great profile... very descriptive and well-written. But it's gotta go. I need something fresh... a fresh start. Maybe I haven't been realistic in how I've described myself and who I want. I'm certainly open to changing some things up. Besides the profile has been practically the same for 5 years.
So to all who know me well, I welcome your input.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)