36

Ahhh... 36. I have a good life. I'm not where I thought I'd be at 36, but I can't say that my life isn't good. I'm lucky.... no, I'm blessed... that's more accurate.

I'm blessed to be alive.

I'm blessed to have the means to live and experience life on my own terms.

I'm blessed that my parents are still alive.

I'm blessed to have parents who love and support me in any and every way I can possibly imagine.

I'm blessed with friends who care about me.

I'm blessed with talent.

I'm blessed with two beautiful and special nieces who make my insides quiver with delight just because they exist.

I'm blessed to have a relationship with God.

I'm blessed with a sweet and special cat.

I'm blessed with determination.

I'm blessed to have people think enough of me to entrust me as their child's Godmother.

I'm blessed to have a wonderful extended family.

I'm blessed with opportunities and choices.

I'm blessed with a mind that never stops.

I'm blessed with the ability to be empathetic.

I'm blessed with compassion.

I'm blessed with experience.

I'm blessed with a hopeful spirit.

I'm blessed with the ability to see the bigger picture of life.

I'm blessed with regret.

I'm blessed to have ex-boyfriends still care about me.

I'm blessed with desire.

I'm blessed with a quick wit.

I'm blessed with a pretty face.

I'm blessed with a body frame that allows me to carry extra weight.

I'm blessed with good sight.

I'm blessed with a good memory.

I'm blessed with a never-ending thirst for knowledge.

Love Is Always Worth The Ache

Every time I allow myself to feel, I am risking my heart getting trampled on. It's a really tough place to be, but I refuse to give up. I just won't, damn it! This song helps me to remember why I keep trying.

Love Is Always Worth The Ache
(Carolyn Dawn Johnson/Tommy Polk)

I'm through playin' it safe
It's time I laid it on the line
I wanna dance out on the edges
And get a little reckless in my mind
Cause even a heart that's locked away
Can find a way to break
I won't hide it now

I'm through makin' that mistake
One fall, that's all
I don't know who it's gonna be
Out there, somewhere
Someone is waitin' just for me
No pain, no gain
There's not a chance that I won't take
'Cause love is always worth the ache
Love's like a Vegas wheel
You've got to spin to win the prize
(you know you got to, you know you got to, you know you got to spin to win the prize)
But it's a gamble worth the takin'
You say a prayer and then you roll the dice

(you say a prayer and, you say a prayer and, you say a prayer and, and you roll the dice)
Well they say it's hard to beat the odds
I say it's harder not to try
I will play the game
Do what it takes to get it right
One fall, that's all
I don't know who it's gonna be
Out there, somewhere
Someone is waiting just for me
No pain, no gain
There's not a chance that I won't take
'Cause love is always worth the ache
Well they say it's better to have loved and lost
Then to have never loved at all
Ah yeah yeah yeah
One fall, that's all
I don't know who it's gonna be
Out there, somewhere
Someone is waiting just for me
No pain, no gain
There's not a chance that I won't take
'Cause love is always worth the ache
(It's always, it's always, it's always)
Yeah it's always worth the ache
(It's always, it's always, it's always)
Oh love is worth the ache
(It's always, it's always, it's always)
Yeah love is always worth the ache
(It's always, it's always, it's always)
Yeah
You know there's not a chance I won't take
'Cause love is always worth the ache

FEAR!

I hate this fear that plagues me. I go on even though it is a monkey on my back. I have a date tomorrow night. A first date with a man with whom I really want things to work out. We both want them to work out. But we haven't actually met yet. But we really like talking with each other.

Scary, scary, scary.... but exciting, exciting, exciting. I act even though I fear. I recently read a quote in a memoir called A Piece Of Cake about an acronym for fear. (By the way, I highly recommend this book!)

FEAR can either mean F@#K Everything And Run or it can mean Feel Everything And Recover. Works for me!

13 Days

Wish I had something profound to say, but I don't. I miss blogging, but I just haven't had the mental energy to write. Maybe that's when I need to write the most. Seems as if I am avoiding thinking too much. There's just too much going on and too many changes.

I like change, as a rule. I usually do pretty well with it. I'm very used to it. It's been my pattern... my history... my mantra.

I hate my new school, but I'm sure God has something there for me learn. Otherwise I wouldn't be there. I have already learned more about gang life and poverty and depression and sorrow and wasted minds.

I've witnessed a stepfather and stepson get into a fist fight in front of the school resulting in the stepfather being placed in handcuffs in front of the buses as they were ready to load up for the ride home. I've learned that this fight did not even faze the students. It was as if it were an everyday occurrence in their lives. Unfortunately, it probably is. I've learned from my Department Chair (a black, single mother of 2 with a master's degree in Education) that in "their" culture that's how males act. It's discipline-not abuse.

I've learned how to spot and decode gang communication.

I've learned from a student that he intended to slash my tires.

I've learned from a co-worker that if I'm to be respected, I have to convince my students to look at me and say "Damn, 'dat white bitch's CRAZY!" I've learned that it would also probably help if I "messed up my hair a 'lil bit and made my face get all red like you white people do."

I've learned that the administration has not a single clue how to run the school.

I've learned how to stand my ground when a very large teenage man/boy towers above me in an effort to intimidate me.

I've learned that 90 minutes is a HELL of a LONG time to be with one group of kids.

I've learned that even though I'm team-teaching, the burden of classroom management falls on my shoulders.

I've learned (well actually I knew this already) that not everyone likes me.

I've learned what it's like to be judged by my skin color.

I've learned what it's like to be hugged out of the blue by a student on her way home for the weekend.

Tomorrow begins day 14.